Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage Part Final

Last week, I ended my article with this bit of encouragement: “If you are one of those who, thankfully, divorced after living (incarcerated) in a controlling marriage, but you are finding it difficult to enjoy your newly-discovered freedom, take heart! God never leaves His children in in the bondage of slavery (it was for freedom that Christ set us free!), so you can rest assured that He predestined you for this freedom, and, I might add, there is nothing better than His present provision for your life—absolutely, nothing—not fish, cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions, or garlic (whatever they might represent in your life!).”
In other words, whether you choose to remain single or to remarry, God has a new life for you, a life that, on the one hand is terribly frightening, yet, on the other hand, even the thought is exhilarating, giving you the kind of rush I think you would feel just before you made your first bungee jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, hoping you would stop short of the school of piranhas that were eagerly greeting you.

The fact is you stand in one of those God-designed places where you can know better than you have ever known not only that you have died (you no longer live!) but also that Jesus is your life. You have been bought with a price and, therefore, are not your own! What an incredible place to have landed after such an gut-wrenching journey! As I see it you have landed on a precipice, a very high, vertical cliff, and your only way out is a free-fall jump! Sounds just like God, doesn’t it?

Now listen to these words from “Deep Unto Deep” by Dana Candler (p. 143-145): “. . . in my descent, a drawn out cry comes forth as my last request, “Have Your way!” Into His hands, I commit my spirit (Ps. 31:5). I have died, and I no longer live. I have no more rights. Swallowed up in the great deep of my transcendent God, fully His forever. I have taken His name, and my entire identity has been absorbed by Himself. I freefall with arms spread wide, holding nothing for myself and keeping not the slightest grip of ownership upon my life. My life is not my own. I have been bought with a price. And I have willingly surrendered to my position of hiddenness in Him—hidden with Christ in God. When we leave the places of living before men and begin to live before the Eyes-of-fire alone, we cross over into unknown territory. He has brought us to a certain wilderness of transformation. And here in this place we are no longer able to measure our worth by the tangible reality of our success before men. We leave the old measuring sticks at the door, for they are not suited for the ways of God. We depart from the false identity that was based on how respected, known, gifted, and influential we were in the eyes of men and leap into the vast unknown realm, the hidden reality, of who we are eternally in God. In this hurdle, we take great risk for we leave every familiar comfort behind us. To abandon the realm of the seen that we might freefall into the unseen is a daring endeavor and only faith anchors our souls. We voluntarily jump off the cliff of our old identity without an absolute clarity of our new one. Though we know who we are in the corporate sense of the redeemed-body-of-Christ, the mysteries that He formed in us individually and the details of who we are personally in the hidden places, are nearly entirely hidden from our understandings. We are trading in what we have always known and what others have always told us of ourselves for a book of blank pages. We leave all the old voices, however true or false, for the One voice who is temporarily very silent in our experience. He shows us so little of who we are in Him in the beginning because He wants us to experience the ‘drop off’ from the old ways and be willing to plunge into the unseen realm with eyes of faith. We face the pain of the barrenness of our souls. We face the reality of all that we do not yet know of Him, when we once thought we knew so much. We spend a season in this dangling-in-between place—no longer identified as we once were, yet still so foreign and distant from who we truly are in Him and our eternal identity. As we dangle, we pray, ‘Let me be weighed on honest scales, that God may know my integrity’ (Job 31:6).”

Let me be honest: I am scared-to-death of heights, so you can rest assured that I ain’t going to bungee jump, even from a barstool, much less a bridge, so I am certainly not going to choose a freefall jump from a cliff! Interestingly, however, God has His own ways of “landing” us in that place where our only way out is a freefall jump into the unknown. Fortunately, however, we do get to make that “one last request”—”Have Thine own way!”—but even that is a bit nerve racking.

Now, let me be even more honest. I think this author (Dana Candler) is unveiling something and I really want you to see it: Even though it makes you hyperventilate, it IS safe to make the freefall jump into the wilderness of transformation, into that high and holy place where the Holy Spirit, not men, determine obedience for you. You see, in your jumping you leave behind those old measuring sticks—how respected, known, gifted, and influential you were in the eyes of men—and trade them in for a book of blank pages, or so they seem. Thankfully, God has already written the script but He did so with white ink on white paper. To use the words of Dana Candler, “No one, except those rare few with eyes into eternity can perceive who we are anymore.”

So, go ahead and jump; it really is safe! Whether you choose to remain single or at some point to remarry, the best is yet to come, and that is a promise (from Him, not me!). At least, once you make the jump, you are no longer controlled by the mirrors of a thousand religious, self-centered opinions and that, my friend, is quite a measure of exhilarating freedom!
Thanks for all your patience in reading these bits and pieces of “literary genius” from this old codger, who knows very well that he not only knows very little, but also that what he knows is probably a far-cry from the real truth! Let us continue seeking Him, whom to know is eternal life!!

Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage Part XVI

FISH, CUCUMBERS, MELONS, LEEKS, ONIONS, AND GARLIC

Last week, I ended my discussion with these words: In spite of all the fears and the ensuing anger, some do finally make it to freedom and when they do, well, all kinds of new emotions begin to surface (really, old emotions dressed in different garments) making even freedom a scary thing, much as it was for the black slaves of old. The signing of the Emancipation Proclamation set the slaves free—legally free—but it did NOT teach them how to live in freedom. Many of them walked off the plantations where they had been held in slavery, but the new emotions they began to feel (old emotions dressed in different garments) had them second-guessing themselves at every turn. Unfortunate, but true. Thankfully, it was for freedom that Christ set us free, therefore (to use the words of Paul), do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery!

When it comes to divorce, this second-guessing begins long before the divorce is finalized; however, once the person steps into the land of “freedom” it kicks into another gear, or to use the words of Emeril Lagasse, another “notch!” In fact, it often comes much like a landslide, in the form of “what-ifs” and “should haves.” “What if I had been more patient,” or “I probably should not have been so hard-lined,” or “If I had waited a little longer, we could have probably worked it out,” or “If I had just trusted God more, He would have changed my heart,” ad infinitum. In the long-run, this second-guessing is probably normal; it is probably our attempt at reassuring ourselves that we did the “right” thing, especially in light of the terrible stigma that has been placed upon those who divorce. So, if you see yourself here, just take it easy; give yourself time to adjust, to settle-in, and to discover at a deeper level than you have ever known, that His strength really is made perfect in your weakness. Remember: when you have the Creator of the Universe standing by your side and ON your side, all the “what-ifs” and “should-haves” you could ever list, really carry little consequence—He is in charge and in control every time and all the time.

Now, as to this notion of learning to live in this new-found freedom, something very familiar comes to my mind—fish, cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions, and garlic. You are very familiar with the story but listen to these words: “Now the people became like those who complain of adversity in the hearing of the Lord; and when the Lord heard it, His anger was kindled, and the fire of the Lord burned among them and consumed some of the outskirts of the camp. The people therefore cried out to the Lord, and the fire died out. So the name of that place was called Taberah, because the fire of the Lord burned among them. And the rabble who were among them had greedy desires; and also the sons of Israel wept again and said, ‘Who will give us meat to eat? We remember the fish which we used to eat free in Egypt, the cucumbers and the melons and the leeks and the onions and the garlic, but now our appetite is gone. There is nothing at all to look at except this manna’” (Numbers 11:1-6; emphasis, mine).
As you well-know, the Israelites had been in bondage to the Egyptians for many, many years but God heard their cries and chose to deliver them out of Egypt and from slavery (God never leaves His children in slavery!) AND to lead them into Canaan, a land flowing with milk and honey—the land of freedom. Furthermore, He chose to be their provider and to see to it that they had everything they needed in this new-found freedom; HOWEVER, God’s provision soon lost its appeal and they found themselves grumbling and complaining, not to mention, wandering aimlessly in the desert.

Manna was neither fish nor cucumbers nor melons nor leeks nor onions nor garlic; in fact, unlike any of these, manna was perfect food but its appeal was, well, compared to these, it was not very appealing. Before long, the grumbling and complaining became a very clear and angry cry: “Oh that someone would give us meat to eat! For we were well-off in Egypt.” Did God respond? You bet He did and these were His words: “You shall eat, not one day, nor two days, nor five days, nor ten days, nor twenty days, but a whole month, until it comes out of your nostrils and becomes loathsome to you; because you have rejected the Lord who is among you and have wept before Him, saying, ‘Why did we ever leave Egypt?’”
Hopefully, at this point something very specific is becoming very obvious to you and I can only trust that it is this: the Israelites had to learn how to live in their newly-discovered freedom, even how to enjoy it! Contrary to what they thought, they were NOT well-off in Egypt; instead, they were slaves to those whose only purpose was to use them for their own selfish ends. Their question, “Why did we ever leave Egypt?” is the tell-tale sign of just how difficult it is for those who have been living as slaves to learn to live in freedom!

If you are one of those who, thankfully, divorced after living (incarcerated) in a controlling marriage, but you are finding it difficult to enjoy your newly-discovered freedom, take heart! God never leaves His children in in the bondage of slavery (it was for freedom that Christ set us free!), so you can rest assured that He predestined you for this freedom, and, I might add, there is nothing better than His present provision for your life—absolutely, nothing—not fish, cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions, or garlic (whatever they might represent in your life!).

“So let us know, let us press on to know the Lord,
His going forth is as certain as the dawn;
And He will come to us like the rain,
Like the spring rain watering the earth”
(Hosea 6:3).

Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage Part XV

Well, the murder/suicide is history, the post-mortem examination is complete, and the results are as expected—the perpetrator contained very high levels of various toxins, each of which was the fruit of self-centeredness. Regardless, however, of the reasons, both perpetrator and victim begin to experience the pain of loss—significant loss, especially if the marriage lasted past the honeymoon stage. Enter grief!

Grief is essential, if a healthy lifestyle is to ensue; however, it is oftentimes a very difficult journey. The elements (denial, guilt, anger outward, anger inward, depression, resolution, etc) are predictable but they do not always present neatly packaged; consequently, many refuse to make the journey to healthy living and, therefore, find themselves locked in the prison of anger, bitterness, resentment, and, even, clinical depression—futilely trying to “get even” or to get back what they lost. In the end, these become enslaved to the one(s) they blame for their loss, spending every waking moment trying to figure out not only how to get back what they lost, but also how to get back in control of the one(s) they no longer control.

In many instances, this murder/suicide precipitates divorce, the legal end of a marriage that in most cases has long-since died. In my mind, the divorce decree is much like a death certificate, in that it serves as legal evidence of the death of the marriage. It is usually very difficult to get those involved to see this; however, it is true: in most instances, marriages die long before anyone mentions the word “divorce.” Sadly, this is true because the church has placed such a stigma on divorce, one that causes people to remain in dead relationships, even long after decomposition is complete, and that is far too long.

For most Christians, deep, long-standing convictions also become key players, players that make making the decision very, very difficult. The sincere desire to obey God and to please Him in all things make such convictions as “God hates divorce” and “until death separates us” and “what God hath joined together, let no man put asunder” and “God cannot bless willful disobedience” and “thou shalt not commit adultery” powerful deterrents to divorce, which is why so many choose to remain in marriages long after the vows have been broken and life has ceased.

Sadly, most never seem to learn the truth that Paul proclaimed—the letter kills but the Spirit gives life—consequently, they spend entire lifetimes futilely attempting to please God (who, thankfully, is already pleased) by remaining in their “dead” marriages, only to become modern-day Pharisees.

Thankfully, however, there are those who do come to realize that we (Christians) have been called to live, not according to the letter of the Law but according to the leadership of the Holy Spirit—the difference between living under the Old Covenant of Law and the New Covenant of Grace. These are the ones who finally come to realize that they no longer have to allow others to define obedience for them and can, therefore, view divorce as a gift of God’s love, rather than as His curse.

Now, make no mistake: divorce IS difficult—very difficult—not only for both parties but also for other family members and friends. There is no short-cut, no easy way out; instead, it is gut-wrenchingly painful. Even when both parties agree that divorce is the best option for them; it is none-the-less painful. Emotions run wild, with fear and anger being the dominant players, even in the lives of those who sincerely believe that divorce can be a gift of God’s love.

From my experience, one of the greatest fear-factors is the fact that obtaining a divorce most often means hiring an attorney (or attorneys, as the case may be) at great expense, only to find that once matters enter into the legal system, both parties lose any and all control over their futures. Of course, circumstances do make a difference, e.g. when children are involved or when large amounts of money or property are at stake. After years of being involved as a marriage counselor, I have seen the system make decisions that were devastating and altogether unfair. I can remember examples that I simply could not believe were taking place in a court of justice! To be sure, there is no wonder that most will endure any and all kinds of malevolence, even abuse, before choosing to place their lives into such an incredibly insane system.

Obviously, another of the deterrent fear-factors is the concern that is often expressed with these all-too-familiar words: “I cannot make it alone—emotionally, financially, or spiritually.” To be sure, for some to take life on alone is quite a challenge; however, living in a dead relationship is an even greater challenge. The problem is this: we tend to grow comfortable in our long-standing misery; whereas, the uncertain future appears to be very uncomfortable, at least, that is, until God makes us desperate for life—like a drowning man is desperate for air. Of course, the spouse who does not want the divorce tends to exacerbate this fear with comments such as, “You know that you cannot survive financially without my help” or “You know that you cannot make it alone as a single parent” or “You know that you know nothing about finances” or “You can’t even change a light bulb.”

In spite of all the fears and the ensuing anger, some do finally make it to freedom and when they do, well, all kinds of new emotions begin to surface (really, old emotions dressed in different garments) making even freedom a scary thing, much as it was for the black slaves of old. The signing of the emancipation proclamation set the slaves free—legally free—but it did NOT teach them how to live in freedom. Many of them walked off the plantations where they had been held in slavery but the new emotions they began to feel (old emotions dressed in different garments) had them second-guessing themselves at every turn. Unfortunate, but true—

Thankfully, it was for freedom that Christ set us free, therefore (to use the words of Paul), do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery!

Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage Part XIV

Believe it or not, back in the 1980’s, I actually served two terms as the coroner of Taylor County, that’s right—The Coroner of Taylor County! It was during this experience that I became very familiar with the term “toxicity” and for this good reason: many of the dead human bodies that fell under my jurisdiction found themselves in the medical examiner’s office, undergoing what is known as a post mortem examination, aka an autopsy, and, almost without exception, I requested a “toxicology” report from the medical examiner. The purpose of this report was to let me know both qualitatively and quantitatively of the “toxicity” of the deceased’s blood, that is did it contain drugs (legal or illegal) and if, yes, what were their levels. Obviously, this information was essential when it came to determining a cause of death, as well as the manner of death. As you might imagine, when a report came back to me indicating that the test was positive for drugs of any kind, especially at toxic levels, it influenced the outcome of the Coroner’s Inquest, be it death by natural causes, by accident, by homicide, or by suicide. As you can now easily see, in the Coroner’s world, the term “toxicity” has the stench of death all over it.
As strange as it might seem, to the marriage counselor, the word “toxicity” carries a very similar stench. If I had a post mortem examination for dead marriages (now that I think about it, I should develop one!), we would all probably be amazed at the percentage of them that would show very high levels of toxicity, and, I might add, the “toxins” would be very easy to identify—neglect, abandonment, emotional insulation, lying, cheating, insensitivity, lack of respect, perfectionism, control, invalidation of feelings, unrealistic expectations, insecurity, lack of boundaries, lack of transparency, lack of goals, and laziness, just to mention a few.
In my opinion, there is one heading under which all of the “toxins of marriage” fall and it is this: SELFCENTEREDNESS. In other words, the cause of death that should be shown on the Certificate of Divorce is always self-centeredness, and it is so because self-centeredness prevents any sense of connectedness—emotionally, physically, and spiritually—without which, there is no life. Attempting to have a viable, healthy marriage without this connectedness is about like attempting to survive as a human without water, oxygen, and food.
On the other hand, the manner of death is murder/suicide! Almost always one of the partners begs for this connectedness but the other (because of self-centeredness) exhibits most, if not all, of the above toxins, thereby, making the relationship toxic, and slowly but surely he kills the other and, thereby, commits marital suicide.
Let us think for a minute about the wife, who for years pleaded with her husband to be a listener instead of a controller, to be a responder instead of a reactor, to spend time with her, to show interest in her life but, instead, had to endure various affairs (I am reminded of the young wife, who told me of three of her husband’s affairs), continuous neglect (I am reminded of the wife who told me that she would much rather be her husband’s golf clubs than his wife because he took so much better care of them), debilitating control (I am reminded of the many wives, who have presented to me as non-persons due to their husband’s relentless control over their lives), demeaning perfectionism (I am reminded of the countless wives, who have told me of their incredible frustration with marriage because they can never do anything “right”; try as they may, they can never measure up to the invisible standard that seems to be ever increasing), unrealistic expectations (I am reminded of one of several wives, who told me of her husband’s long-standing refusal to have sex with her, unless she defecated on him, even if doing so required the use of an enema), long-standing invalidation of feelings (I am reminded of one wife in particular, who told me of her husbands continuous and long-standing “trashing” of the things she treasured, such as church and relationships), and, finally, her own emotional insulation (I am thinking of the countless wives whose husband’s were alcoholics, and in an effort to survive they learned to hide their feelings by putting a wall of emotional insulation around themselves—a wall that kept others out and at the same time kept them “in.”
Yes, this wife finally came to her senses and admitted the obvious: her husband had long-since committed the aforementioned murder/suicide and the cause of both was his self-centeredness. No, she was not perfect in her responses to his self-centeredness (who would or could have been?!) but she was genuinely interested in being his wife, in being his helpmate—the rest of him UNTIL she woke up to realize the obvious and painful truth—his interests in her were not, nor had they ever been for that matter, FOR her and her well-being; instead, his interests were completely self-serving! Just for the record: the ultimate act of self-centeredness is murder/suicide!
IF I had my post mortem examination for dead marriages ready for use and performed it on this one, I think it is obvious that the toxicology portion would indicate very high levels of TOXICITY—affairs, neglect, control, perfectionism, unrealistic expectations, invalidation of feelings, and emotional insulation—that would clearly demonstrate the self-centered nature of the perpetrator.
Poison is poison and poison kills—eventually—

Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage Part XIII

Hopefully, you remember my telling you about my friend’s (the very successful hedge fund trader) telling the desk clerk to give me the key to my room’s bar. At first, I wasn’t even aware that this was an option for me (I did not so much as know that the room had a bar) until the desk clerk made me aware, but, even then, I declined it; however, my friend intervened and instructed the clerk to give it to me, which he did. At that point, I had received (albeit, reluctantly) my option to drink freely from the bar that was in my room; however, as I told you last week, I never exercised my option—I never even opened the bar’s door. (I am still wondering why I did not, especially, in light of the fact that it would have cost me nothing! Maybe I will get another chance!)
Anyway, I reminded you of that story, in order to continue my discussion on the subject of “options” as they apply to Christian marriage. If you remember, I pointed out that many Christians, who are living in troubled marriages, are convinced that they have no option, other than of course the “until death separates us” option, and, therefore, they feel trapped. On occasion, I do meet someone who is aware of a good and viable option, one that is, actually, being offered to her, but most often she has already determined that she cannot accept it, certainly not as a personal possibility, usually due to religious teaching. As I said earlier, it is one thing to be convinced that you have no viable options, but it is even worse to know that a good and viable option is being offered to you, but you are not allowed to receive it, especially when you know that doing so would set you free.
Then, the saddest of all: the occasional person who does receive a good and viable option, as a personal possibility (for the sake of our example, let us use divorce), but cannot bring herself to exercise it. Most often, this comes as the result of having been controlled, even brainwashed, by religious (albeit, sometimes well-intentioned) teachers—parents, grandparents, pastors, Bible study teachers, Sunday School teachers, ad infinitum—to the extent that any thought that falls outside the parameters of their teaching, seems to be an heretical thought, one to be rejected at any cost.
Obviously, it was a major undertaking for this person merely to receive the option of divorce as a personal possibility; consequently, you can bet that exercising it will require incredible courage, the kind that says, “I choose no longer to be controlled by another’s belief system; consequently, I will no longer allow someone else to define obedience for me.” These, although few and far between, are the people who finally discover the freedom and rest that is provided in Jesus! Yes! Sometimes, the door to that freedom is called “DIVORCE” believe it or not!
Think with me for a few minutes about this individual: She finally admits to herself (or to someone) that she is living in a miserable marriage (a huge step for her because she is well-schooled in the fact that doing so will in all probability make her THE problem). Interestingly, however, this simple “admission” opens the door for her to begin to face the many issues that she has long-since suppressed—rejection, control, blame, anger, abandonment, fear, ridicule, and invalidated feelings, to mention a few. As you might expect, as each issue is faced and validated, her emotions run wildly across the entire emotional spectrum; however, as you might not expect, she tends to find ways to blame herself for each issue. After all, this is the way she has been taught to respond, not only by her religious teachers, but also by her controlling spouse. It is the all-too-familiar mindset that says, “If you think contrarily to the way I (we) think, you are wrong—dead wrong.” Unfortunately, it usually takes quite some time, even for the best of counselors, to decompress those “pinched nerves” and, I might add, it takes even more time for her ability to feel to return, but when it does, things change—drastically! She no longer sees herself as THE problem but as a victim and, consequently, she immediately begins to take ownership of her life, but doing so, is quite the challenge because those who have controlled her for so long cannot tolerate, even for a moment, the thought of being out of control.
As you might imagine, at this point her controllers become very creative and do whatever they can imagine (and then some) to keep her fenced within the parameters of their control. Of course, the controller who has most to lose (in our example) is her spouse; consequently, he begins to demonstrate what appear to be two distinct people—kind and gracious one minute but angry and hurtful the next. Obviously, his overriding concern is not her but his lack of control over her, so he does the only thing he knows to do to keep from losing control—try desperately to keep her imprisoned in the marriage. Unfortunately, he cannot hide his anger but he surely doesn’t want to unleash it onto her (doing so would not promote his agenda), so he begins to target his anger away from her and toward others (anyone who doesn’t side with him), especially toward those who helped her to realize that she does have the good and viable option of divorce.
As you might expect, about all this targeted anger accomplishes is to diminish (even further) any possible chance of restoration, and he realizes this, usually early on, so he changes his tactic and begins to target those who he thinks might have strong influence for his cause. Though they aren’t aware of it, his targets become anyone who will listen to his poisonous mouth and give credence to what comes out of it. As you might imagine, this serves only to backfire and bring the kiss of death. Had there been even the slightest, flickering flame of hope for marriage reconciliation, this kiss of death extinguished it—forever.

MARRIAGE, DIVORCE, & REMARRIAGE WITHIN THE CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY Part XII

Last week, I wrote about two of the factors, that in my opinion have played significant roles in the downfall of Christian marriage—“denial” and “pretense.” Hopefully, that discussion was meaningful to you. This week, I want to ask you to think with me about two additional factors which (again, in my opinion) have made just-as-significant (if not more so) contributions to the downfall of Christian marriage—”options” and “toxicity”.
I have a friend, a very successful hedge funds trader, who, as you might imagine, is constantly dealing with “options.” Not long ago, as he was checking me into a very nice hotel (with his credit card) in St. Petersburg, Florida, the clerk at the desk asked me if I wanted the key to the room’s bar. Trying to follow my Mother’s teaching about etiquette (if you can believe that about me), I declined it and when I did, my friend turned to the desk clerk and said, “No, no; give him the key.” As we walked away, he said to me, “Always take your options; you might not plan to use them but at least you have them, should you change your mind” (I guess this is the way successful hedge fund traders think). Anyway, I walked away with the key to the bar in my pocket, having received my option to drink all the whisky, gin, rum, vodka, and beer I could ever want and then some, at no cost whatsoever to me; HOWEVER, I never exercised the option (I never even stuck the key into the lock on the door of the bar! Now I wonder why I didn’t! I think my Mother was looking over my shoulder!).
Interestingly, when I got back home, I realized that this bar key was in my shaving kit; I can only assume that it is my reminder to always take my options, just in case I do decide to exercise them. It is one thing to be offered an option; it is another to take (receive) the option; but it is quite another to exercise it, and, I might add, this is especially true in troubled marriages!
Now, when it comes to troubled, Christian marriages, most of the couples I have counseled seem to be completely convinced that they have no viable options; therefore, they feel trapped. Occasionally, I meet someone who is at least aware that an option is available, but, inevitably, he/she has already refused to receive the option as a personal possibility. Needless to say, of the few who do receive the options that are offered to them, even fewer ever exercise them, even their God-given options (remember the bar key?). Think with me—
From what I have seen and heard, it is obvious that many (too many) of the Christians who live in troubled marriages, fall into the first category—completely convinced that they have no options, other than (of course) the option to tough-it-out until “death alone separates us”, that is, if they plan to remain in good standing with their families, the church, with other believers, and with God. Unfortunately, most (probably all) of these arrived at this devastating mindset through the teachings they have received from the church, and (I might add) they are easily recognized by their obvious paralysis—emotional paralysis, that is. In other words, over time they become convinced that it is much safer to suppress their feelings (frustration, resentment, bitterness, anger, doubt, loneliness, hurt, confusion, and rejection, to mention a few) and maintain the status quo, than it is to express them and, thereby, become THE problem (both at home and at church); consequently, they stop allowing themselves to feel—paralyzed emotionally—and, thereby, lose their own “person.” Thankfully, God does raise the dead!
Occasionally (only after resurrection), I do meet someone who realizes that a good and viable option is being offered, but (sadly) something deep within causes her to feel that she cannot receive it (the way I felt when I was asked if I wanted to accept the key to the bar). What is this “something” that causes her to feel this way? Isn’t it obvious? Her religious training has taught her that she should not accept it (old mindsets) because doing so would somehow successfully tempt her to “break the rules” that she has allowed others to impose upon her, and that, at least in her mind, would be the equivalent of spiritual suicide! In the end, the result is the same for her, as it is for the one who is convinced that she has no options, with this exception: increased suppression of the feelings of frustration, resentment, bitterness, anger, doubt, loneliness, hurt, confusion, and rejection. You see, it is bad enough to be convinced that you have no viable options, but it is even worse to know that a good and viable option is being offered to you, but you are not allowed to receive it, especially, when you know that doing so would set you free.
Then, occasionally, I meet someone who will receive the option but then refuses to exercise it—talk about frustration! One wonders if some just, simply, prefer misery!
(continued next week)

Comforted to Comfort Others

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3-7; ESV).


I. Being a Christian does not exempt us from affliction (pain, difficulty, hardship, misery and suffering); instead it guarantees it.
II. God does, however, comfort (calm, reassure, soothe, console) us in our affliction/suffering.
III. God comforts us in our affliction/suffering not only to encourage and enable us to continue on through, but also to enable us to comfort others who are going through affliction and suffering.
IV. We comfort others with the comfort we have received from God.
V. As we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, through Him we also share abundantly in comfort.


It is in my opinion important to remember that the affliction/suffering to which he refers is not the result of our foolish choices but the result of our standing firm in the truth of the gospel in the face of strong opposition—the same sufferings which both Paul and Jesus suffered (this does not mean that we shouldn’t attempt to comfort those who are suffering for their own foolish choices or for unfortunate events that happen in this life).

Furthermore, in my opinion, a lesson or two in the methodology of comforting others would be beneficial. Oftentimes, what we do in the name of “comforting” others, irrespective of why they need comforting, is nothing more or less than our feeble efforts at attempting to improve the way we think others look at us—comforting ourselves, in other words.

Let’s look at an example: You read in the obits that an acquaintance of yours has experienced physical death and you read on to learn that the visitation will be tomorrow night from 6:00 – 8:00. It matters not what you might have planned to do, you cancel everything and make your plans to be present and to be seen. In your mind, this friend’s widow/widower is expecting you to come and she will be so comforted, thereby. In fact, you decide to stop by his/her house on your way to work, just to let him/her know that you care; to bring the comfort of your presence and concern. [What is your true motive?]

Let’s look at another example: You just learned that your neighbor’s wife is in the hospital and your immediate response is to take food to the family, so you cook a very nice meal and deliver it, just at mealtime, to comfort them. [What is your true motive?]

One other example: You just heard that someone’s child in your neighborhood was allegedly molested by her uncle, DFACS has been called, the man has been arrested, and the vigilantes have gathered for the hanging. You were molested as a child; consequently, you not only have a vested interest in this, you also have much “experience,” which you are sure this family desires and from which this family can benefit. So, you get on your “painted pony” and head to this family’s house to “comfort them.” [What is your true motive?]

Now, with that, let me offer some considerations for you to consider:

1. We cannot comfort another out of our neediness, which is what most of us, unknowingly, attempt to do.
2. We cannot comfort another by assuming their offense; instead, in doing so, we rob them of being able to find the true comfort that Christ offers.
3. We cannot comfort others by getting involved with their personal business, unless of course, they invite us to do so, and even then it is risky. If someone wants us involved in their personal business, they will extend the invitation.
4. We cannot comfort others by attempting to validate (give credence to) their own false beliefs, beliefs that most often are the very reason they are suffering.
5. We cannot comfort others by attempting to “fix” what is causing them to suffer, unless of course they have acute appendicitis and we are surgeons, which most of us are not.
6. We do not comfort others by determining what is “best” for them and running interference for them to be sure that they get the “best” without any pain.
7. We cannot comfort others by negating their feelings, regardless of how rational or irrational the feelings might be.
8. We cannot comfort others by attempting to be their “savior.”
9. We cannot comfort others by telling them that we understand.
10. The most effective comfort we can offer another is the awesome power of a listening and safe ear.

MARRIAGE, DIVORCE, & REMARRIAGE WITHIN THE CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY Part XI

This week, I want to change gears just a bit and address something that I believe is one of the “keys” to our seeing fewer divorces. As I look back over the thousands of hours of marriage counseling I have done during the past 26+ years, it becomes obvious to me that most of the troubled marriages I have known, including but not limited to the ones that ended in divorce, have at least these two commonalities: pretense and denial. The people who appear to have the happiest, healthiest marriages do not live in the land of fantasy, nor do they live in the land of denial; instead, they consistently and honestly evaluate their relationships, face reality, deal with it prudently, and move on with strengthened connections—emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Actually, I could provide you with hundreds and hundreds of specific examples of troubled marriages but allow me to use this generalization to create a fictional but realistic example: A young couple, both of whom grew up in what we would call protestant, evangelical Christianity and, consequently, are thoroughly indoctrinated with the mindset that God hates divorce and allows for only one escape (adultery); otherwise, it is “until death alone separates us”, decide to marry and do so. Soon after the wedding she realizes that she has made a terrible mistake, having never seen the “red flags” that are now so evident. Unfortunately, when she attempts to talk with her husband about her concerns, he tells her that she is crazy, or that she is imagining things. If she suggests that they seek counseling, he reacts with, “I don’t believe in counseling, besides we cannot afford it!” Furthermore, she cannot express her concern to any of her Christian friends because she knows from listening to their gossip that she would become a fresh source of it. As you might imagine, weeks pass into months and months pass into years and years pass into decades, and all-the-while their skills at pretending and denial become very sharply honed.
Of course, as the years become decades, their lives become increasingly complicated—children, school, church, debt, illnesses, jobs, et al—and they grow further and further apart. They find themselves living the typical “wake up, go to work, come home, eat supper, watch TV, go to bed” lifestyle, with of course a few add-ons from time to time. In other words, their marriage has no life and there is a word that describes this condition quite well—DEATH. But even the death of the marriage cannot quell the long-standing mindset that says, “God hates divorce and I made a vow that I would remain until death alone should separate us.” (Too bad that “death” was not defined more clearly at the time of the wedding.)
If my fictional example describes you (at least somewhat), you will probably agree with me that had you been able to communicate about the “red flags” you saw early on in the relationship, and if in doing so you had been able to confront (lovingly) the truth about the issues that surrounded these “red flags”, things would have probably never gotten to the present state of dysfunction or death. Furthermore, if one wise person had discerned the difficulties you were experiencing and, merely, chosen to journey with you, as a true friend, giving you a safe place to express your true feelings, without the fear of judgment, condemnation, and gossip, this entire “train wreck” might have been avoided.
My point: If your mate is asking you to sit down with him/her and discuss your relationship, SEE THAT YOU DO IT! If your mate is asking you to seek counsel for your addictions, your anger, your depression, SEEK IT! Cease living in a world of fantasy and denial; accept the truth that your marriage is in shambles and face reality; otherwise, you just might find yourself trying to figure out how to avoid a divorce. I can hear you now: why in the world does she/he want to divorce, especially after all of these years.
My conclusion: If you are a young couple, begin now to communicate with each other; share your true feelings, concerns, and dreams. Stop living in the world of fantasy and denial and begin to live in the real and healthy world of connected relationship; otherwise, you, too, will wake up one day having to face the reality that your mate is finished, through, done in and filing for divorce. You might even have to face this very harsh reality: your mate has found someone else, someone who is very willing to do all the things you have refused to do. –Mac

Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage within the Christian Community Part IX

In last week’s perspective, I shared a portion of my recent experience in the court system, and in doing so I made this statement: our legal system, as good as it might be, is a colossal failure. The following week, I received this email and was granted permission to share it with you. Hold onto your hat because it will take you breath!

"I saw this happen to my middle son, John. After 21 years of staying in a miserable marriage (made miserable because his wife kept him in horrible financial trouble) he walked out one day and turned to alcoholism and Lord knows what else. They went for counseling, but by then he was so hurt and devastated that he couldn’t see past the problem, so he only went a couple of times.

His wife sued for divorce and John would not even retain a lawyer (against my insistence that he do so), so she took him for everything he had, even his retirement where he had worked for 22 years. He got all the charge cards to pay off, a monthly life insurance premium (with her as beneficiary), 2/3 of his net take home pay as child support, and income taxes on the part of his retirement that she got, which, when you total that up, he had nothing to live on.

When the divorce took place, John’s boys were then 20 and 17 and the wife had a good job. But the court decisions were based on only John’s having any financial responsibility in the family. John had also already paid the college tuition for the older son (selling back his sick-leave and vacation time to his employer and taking money out of his retirement fund to do so).

The judicial system turned completely against John, and though I’m sure there were two sides to their failed marriage, he had been a hard working man, faithful husband, and loving father. When the court got through with him, he felt like nothing. His brothers and I did all we could, but he quit his job and became a broken and devastated man. I just wish that lawyers and judges could see the effects of the decisions they make and how cold, calculated and unfair they can be.

John died of a massive heart attack on June 15, 2003 at the age of 47. Part of me died that day!"

There is no wonder that there is such wide-spread interest in our present subject, nor is there any wonder that people have such strong opinions regarding it, but I do wonder why we sit idly by and do nothing to find a better way. Unfortunately, the carnage continues and we read and hear more and more stories like the one you just read. In our complacency, we have allowed for that which should be in the hands of the church, to be in the hands of secular judges, who hear far too many cases and who have been given far too much power.

Listen carefully and see if these words won’t have a familiar ring to you: “Does any one of you, when he has a case against his neighbor, dare to go to law before the unrighteous, and not before the saints? Or do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if the world is judged by you, are you not competent to constitute the smallest courts? Do you not know that we shall judge angels? How much more, matters of this life? If then you have law courts dealing with matters of this life, do you appoint them as judges who are of no account in the church? I say this to your shame. Is it so, that there is not among you one wise man who will be able to decide between his brethren, but brother goes to law with brother, and that before unbelievers? Actually, then, it is already a defeat for you, that you have lawsuits with one another. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be defrauded? On the contrary, you yourselves wrong and defraud, and that your brethren” (1 Corinthians 6:1-8).

My point? We have cast our pearls before swine and the end result is, well—slop!

You think about this and I will continue next week—
-Mac

Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage within the Christian Community

In light of the fact that I just returned to my office from having spent the past five hours with my daughter in the Jones County Georgia Court House, as she sought (successfully) a temporary settlement agreement, pursuant to getting a divorce from her husband, I wonder if I have what it takes to write Part VIII of this many-part series. Oh well, I will give it the old college try and, hopefully, it will prove to be worthwhile reading.
In the first place, there is very little about a court house that appeals to me, probably because it is such a stark reminder of both the depravity of man and the power of sin. As I listened to the various cases that came before the judge, watched the facial expressions of those caught up in the legal system, and talked to the various court employees about their experiences, it did not take me long to remember what I have long-known to be true, namely, that our legal system, as good as it might be, is a colossal failure. The evidence, I might add, is plenteous and obvious.
For example, there is the question of recidivism (rate of return). Most of the people who stood before this judge were obviously (he made it obvious) not first-time-offenders; in fact, many had been before him (or one of his colleagues) several times previously. You be the judge of what this tells us about the effectiveness of the system, even if only a portion of the system’s purpose is rehabilitation.
Then of course, there is the question of justice. Are these defendants really receiving justice? Are the “guilty” really guilty? Are the “innocent” really innocent? I deliberately chose to dialogue with several of the employees who by mere observation would have had a wealth of information, and the findings were just what I expected. One need not be a “rocket scientist,” just a mere observer, to recognize that local politics, poor legal representation, and incompetence on the part of government programs (such as DFACS) are key contributors to the innocent being found guilty and, oftentimes, given very long prison sentences, as well as the guilty being found innocent and set free.
As you might imagine, most of the cases on any given court calendar have to do with two specific areas: (1) domestic issues—child custody, child support, child molestation, divorce, alimony, assault, assault and battery; and (2) the endless line of drug offenders. I watched today as a young man and his (young) wife stood before the judge because she had pressed charges against him for failure to pay child support to the tune of nearly $10,000. Interestingly, the judge never even stuttered, as he said, “I order you incarcerated in the county jail until the child support is paid!” The young wife began to cry as the sheriff’s deputy led her husband out of the courtroom in handcuffs. She never intended it to be this way, nor did he, but this is the way the legal system works. Now, do not do what I know that some of you will do and jump to the conclusion that I think he should have been given a fifth of Scotch and applauded, as the judge set him free. In my opinion, he should have been made to pay the child support—period (well, if he really did owe it!)!
The really sad part unfolded in two steps: (1) As the deputy led her husband out of the courtroom, she turned and (inadvertently) stood facing his red-faced father, whose anger-filled words (“I appreciate you so much!”) pierced her heart; and (2) For the next half hour or so, I watched this young, broken-hearted, tearful, embarrassed, shamed wife pace up and down the hall in front of everyone, futilely fighting to hold back her overpowering emotions, and I know what she was thinking (well, I think I do) and it was this: I should never have pressed charges, then none of this would have happened. I tried to deal with a legitimate problem the best way I knew how but I ultimately had to turn to the legal system and now I AM THE PROBLEM.
After years of dealing with her problem the best way she knew, my daughter, Amy, finally mustered the courage to enter into our legal system as a broken, tired, weary, married woman with two children not only seeking divorce, but also taking the risk of becoming the problem.
Sadly (the really, really sad part), nothing was accomplished yesterday that could not have been much more effectively accomplished by church leaders, and, I might add, with much less expense, IF the church would stop declaring the one who admits to having a problem, THE PROBLEM and, thereby, open the door for them to at least enquire. I probably won’t live long enough to forget this comment my daughter, Amy, made the other night as we were discussing the issue of divorce: “ Daddy, that is the way church people are!” I can only tell you that she would have much rather taken her chances with the legal system than with the church, and for me that is SAD—VERY SAD!
You think about this and I will continue next week! Grace & peace, Mac

Christian Marriage: What in the World? VI

Christian Marriage: What in the World?
(Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage within the Christian Community)
Part V

Hopefully, by now you can at least agree that we have this very significant problem: The leaders and the members of the Christian community, all of whom presumably read the same Bible, have very differing opinions regarding the very important subjects of marriage, divorce, and remarriage (for a bird’s eye view of some of these differing opinions, see last week’s perspective), and many of these differing opinions have precipitated not only much angst regarding marriage, divorce, and remarriage, but also much debate.
To be sure, healthy debate is in my opinion a very good thing; however, there are many sincere believers who are (1) choosing to live in very unhealthy marriages and/or (2) contemplating divorce or (3) are already divorced and wanting to be remarried, who in any case, are not faintly interested in listening to our debate, be it healthy or unhealthy. What they are interested in listening to, however, is the voice of the one who brings grace, mercy, hope and freedom. They desperately want to find the freedom and the life Jesus promises; however (and unfortunately), they are imprisoned by the mirrors of the opinions of a myriad of debaters, most of whom debate out of the reflection of the Pharisaical ideation of the significant others in their own lives, and, consequently, the “imprisoned” eventually lose all hope, as they face what appears to them to be a life sentence of hellish proportions.
As I continue to consider our subject, I am constantly reminded of one particular passage, one that I have come to believe is the bedrock of the Gospel and it is this: “There is therefore now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1 NASB; emphasis, mine). If this is true (and I believe it is), then I must opine that any of the “differing opinions,” to which I just referred (that bring condemnation to the believer) are destructive, devastating, erroneous opinions, that are far-removed not only from the heart of the Gospel, but also from the heart of Jesus, Himself. Even a casual study of the New Covenant will reveal that Jesus’ NEVER treated ANYONE (other than the religious) the way the “religious of today” treat those who do not align themselves with their judgmental and condemning opinions of marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Make no mistake: the “religious” of the church treat no other group of believers, with the possible exception of the lesbian/homosexual community, the way it treats those who find themselves either desiring divorce, divorced, contemplating remarriage, or remarried.
Obviously, I am not thinking that everyone will agree with my thesis; nevertheless, I (humbly) offer it: The Christian community desperately needs to return to the bedrock of the Gospel—there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Until it does, the “religious” will continue to judge and condemn, thereby, keeping the weak, the helpless, and the hopeless imprisoned by the mirrors of the opinions of their debate and “faithfully” serving a life sentence of hellish proportions! To be sure, the bad news is much, much worse than any of us ever thought BUT the good news is so, so much better than any of us ever thought—NO CONDEMNATION!—and I think it is time we said so. Let us set the captives free!
One of the difficulties of my thesis is this: carrying it out requires that we change many of our opinions concerning marriage, divorce, and remarriage within the Christian community, so that they more nearly align with the bedrock of the Gospel. Change never comes easy for some; for others, it is not nearly so difficult, but in either case, a change of opinion is desperately needed, especially if the church desires to bear any resemblance of the Bride of Christ.
Yes, I know that some of you are thinking: what about consequences to sin? Well, in the first place, let us be sure to define “sin” within the context of the New Covenant, not according to our “religious” paradigms (for example, you have probably already included “divorce” in your list of sins, probably, near the top). After having done so, hopefully we can agree that there are consequences to sin, but those consequences lie within the realm of God’s responsibility, and they are always for our benefit and never for our condemnation. Based upon what I know about each one of us, I doubt seriously that one of us would want anyone other than God, Himself, to be responsible for the consequences of our sins. We probably need to let well-enough alone!
Anyway, you think about this, and I will continue next week.
Grace lavished, Mac
-mac

Christian Marriage: What in the World?

CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE: WHAT IN THE WORLD
PART IV

The various reactions I am receiving from my recent perspectives are most intriguing, telling me at least these two things: (1) my writings have struck a raw nerve, and (2) you are thinking about our present subject. In my opinion, that is not bad, for a start! Anyway, today I want us to consider this topic: how can the community of believers, all of whom read the same Bible, hold such extremely diverse views regarding divorce and remarriage within the Christian Community?
Regarding the subject of divorce: over the years, it has become very clear to me that many very sincere members of the Christian community hold that Christians should never divorce (regardless of the circumstances), and they hold these views because they equate divorce with committing adultery, not to mention their acute awareness that “God hates divorce.”
There are, however, those (just as sincere) who hold a somewhat different view, namely, that divorce should never be allowed UNLESS one partner has been involved in an extra-marital sexual affair (the exception clause), and then it should be allowed ONLY after all avenues (whatever that means) of reconciliation have been exhausted. (I never have been quite sure just who determines when “all avenues of reconciliation” have been exhausted.)
Then, of course, there is that group of just-as-sincere-believers who believe that Paul added another “exception clause,” one that overrules the “Since God Hates Divorce, Christians Cannot Divorce” law and it is this: “Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave; the brother or sister is not under bondage in such cases, but God has called us to peace” (1 Corinthians 7:15). In other words, if a woman is married to a man, who is an unbeliever (I assume that, keeping to the church’s tradition, someone other than the unbelieving man makes the judgment as to his unbelief, but maybe not!) and he wants to leave, she should allow him to do so (as if she could stop him). At any rate, in this case, she is not held to THE rule (not in bondage) in such cases! (Of course, the reverse is equally true.)
Let us dare-not forget those just-as-sincere-believers (maybe the largest of all the groups) who embrace another “exception clause” and it is this: divorce is not only acceptable but also preferred, if one mate learns that he/she is married to a gay/homosexual person and he/she wants to leave. This “exception clause” also overrides and overrules every previous law, even the “Since God Hates Divorce, Christians Cannot Divorce” law; after all, those in the “know” have long-since judged these as unforgivable, unpardonable sins (well, almost anyway).
Furthermore, there are also those sincere members of the Christian community who contend that divorce is acceptable regardless, as long as one or both partners desire the divorce; after all, this is a personal matter and “personal” matters are just that—personal. Obviously, this position tends to lean in the direction of antinomianism—no laws, no rules, just do as you please.
Finally (regarding divorce), there are those sincere believers who agree that divorce is acceptable under certain prescribed circumstances, including but not limited to the above BUT ONLY IF there are no children OR if the children have become “of age” (whatever that means). According to this group, the children fare better living with both parents, regardless of what they see, hear, feel, taste and smell!
Regarding the subject of remarriage: many well-meaning and sincere believers hold, uncompromisingly, to the viewpoint that divorced Christians cannot remarry for any reason, unless of course the divorced mate dies—“until death alone separates.”
Other sincere members of the Christian community hold the view that remarriage is always acceptable, provided, however, that (1) the “divorced” has a “Biblical” divorce (again, someone has to define “Biblical divorce” and it is usually done by the person in religious authority, who always decides out of his/her own pre-formed notion of Biblical interpretation, which is strongly influenced by his life circumstance) and (2) that both are believers; otherwise, the “unequally yoked together with an unbeliever” passage comes into play.
Finally (regarding remarriage), there are those sincere members of the Christian community who believe that remarriage is always acceptable—period. Again, remarriage is a personal matter and “personal” matters are just that—personal. Again, this position tends to lean toward antinomianism.
From what I have observed, there is little room for healthy dialogue regarding any of these viewpoints, which, although tragic, is not uncommon within the Christian community concerning any subject.
In the end, I am left with this question: how can the members of the Christian community, all of whom, presumably, read the same Bible, have such differing opinions (viewpoints) regarding these topics?
I am confident that some of you will provide THE ANSWER! I wait patiently (well, sort of).

—grace lavished, Mac

Marriage: What in the World III

Dear Fellow Travelers,
The email responses to my last two perspectives regarding marriage have been VERY interesting and encouraging, some even a bit “feisty.” They leave me with no doubt that I hit a very raw nerve and stirred up all kinds of emotions. Unfortunately, my assumption is being proven: there are many, many people, living in what we call Christian marriages (some for many years), who are very frustrated, angry, tired, and, especially, hopeless. And, like it or not, these negative feelings are the fruit of what the church taught them about marriage, divorce, and remarriage (By the way, I am as of now, identifying this collection of negative feelings as the “Until Death Do Us Part Syndrome”).
Furthermore, there are many divorced Christians, who sincerely desire to be married again (if not now, at least in the future) but because of the teachings of the church cannot so much as express the desire, much less act upon it. To do so would be to commit spiritual suicide (I will explain what I mean by that in a later article). In the mind of the religious church (and most fit into this category), if you do not have what it calls a “Biblical divorce,” to remarry is the same as committing adultery. In the end, the only way these dear folk can survive is to leave the church.
Even further, there are many Christians, who have never been married and probably never will marry and for good reason: why would anyone want to enter into an “until-death-do-us-part” relationship, when it is obvious that most of them are unsuccessful and there is no legitimate way out (according to the church), except of course adultery. Even in that situation, the mindset is that God will work it out, if you just give Him time and die to self. Sadly, the church’s definition of “death to self” leaves one a “non-person,” which is far removed from the purpose of the Biblical definition.
Yes, I am aware that God is and has always been in the healing business, and I am equally aware that He does as He pleases, when He pleases, even in the marriages of Christian people. However, I am also acutely aware that He does not always respond to my every whim, even when it would make perfect sense for Him to do so, e.g. heal a unhealthy marriage. Sometimes marriage simply does not work and God knows it, and even though He hates divorce, He continues to love and cherish those who do—probably more than He does those who pretend—because He hates dishonesty more than He hates divorce. How do I know? He told me! Remember: He divorced himself from Israel (Jeremiah 3:8) BUT He has NEVER told a lie!
In the near future, I am going to be calling together a diverse group of people from near and far to brainstorm with me on this subject: “Divorce and Remarriage within the Christian Community.” I trust that you will be praying for me and for the group, especially in light of the fact that some of you just might be invited to join forces.

Blessings and grace lavished,
Mac

Marriage: What in the World!!

Dear Fellow Travelers,
Last week’s perspective regarding “Christian marriage” generated enough response to motivate me to pursue the thought a bit further, so here goes; albeit, against my better judgment.
In my opinion, it is long past-time for Christians to get their heads out of the sand and face the obvious: the vast majority of married Christians are living, either in major denial (denial that is precipitated by the legalistic teachings of the church), or in utter and sustained misery (probably both), and I say this not as a casual observer but as one who has spent most of the past 30 years (even longer) not only as a pastor, but also as a counselor, dealing with Christian couples and their difficult, dysfunctional marriages. Unfortunately, after all those years of counseling, I know very few Christian couples, who have even a semblance of healthy marriage, even after years and years of living together as “husband and wife.”
If I were a single man seriously considering Christian marriage, but before taking that step could first have the advantage of looking into the lives of a hundred random Christian couples to get an inside look into what Christian marriage is really about, what I would see would in all probably cause me to remain single, or at least to avoid Christian marriage. Why would anyone (in their right mind) want to sign up for an “until death do us part” commitment with another human being, after learning (1) that probably 98% of the couples in that random sampling are living, either in denial, or in utter misery (probably both) and (2) that regardless of the misery or the reasons for the misery, there is absolutely no legitimate way out—only death—unless one or both partners can muster up the courage to commit the “unpardonable” sin and divorce; and (3) that the Church treats divorced Christians much like everyone treated the lepers of the New Testament (with, of course, the single exception of Jesus) . Go figure!
Now, if my guess is correct, you are probably thinking that my years of counseling have turned me sour toward Christian marriage (if you weren’t thinking it, you are now); however, that is not the case. Even after all the hours I have spent engaged in marriage counseling, having seen and heard everything (times many) that one could ever see or hear, I continue to believe that God had something very good in mind for Christian marriage; HOWEVER, I have come to believe (not recently) that the church has missed it—totally and completely. Surely, this is evidenced by the fact that more than half of the Christian marriages that are performed in any given year, end in divorce—an even greater number than that of the secular variety. As added evidence, consider this: for many years of my life, I spent six, seven, even eight hours per day counseling, and most of that counseling was marriage counseling. Evidently, something is askew—seriously, askew—and I think it is time for those of us who know and love Jesus to get our heads out of the sand and stop pretending that “all-is-well” when “all-isn’t-even-close-to-well” and to begin to seek the truth regarding God’s idea and plan for Christian marriage.
Enough for today (not to mention my space is running out)! This is probably the second part of a many-part series on marriage, so keep reading and please pray that I have the energy and will (I am running short on both) not only to open this stinking, repulsive, festering “lesion of religion,” but also to seek to find truth and to bring it to those who desire it.

Marriage: What in the World?

Dear Fellow Travelers,
     Lately, I have been thinking a great deal about marriage, especially whatever this is we call “Christian Marriage,” and the more I think about it, the more I realize that, if it is in any way linked to Jesus, then most (the vast majority) have missed out on what He had in mind—seriously, missed out. The truth is I know far more couples who have “troubled marriages,” than I know couples who have “healthy marriages.” If the honest truth be told, most Christian couples live, either in denial of the truth, OR in utter misery (probably both) and, tragically, over time lose their own personhood.
     The really sad part of my observation is this: for the most part, the Christian church is responsible for this, be it Methodist, Baptist, Presbyterian, Lutheran, Anabaptist, Charismatic, or Automatic. Why? Because it has taken what God had in mind and twisted and turned it into a legalistic monster that will not even allow for the honest admission of true feelings. From its vantage point, God not only hates divorce, He also hates those who divorce, and He does so with passion; consequently, Christians couples find it safer to simply keep their feelings to themselves, or to deny that they exist at all. The fact is this: for a Christian to admit to having a marriage problem is to become the problem! (If you do not believe this, ask someone who has “been there” and he/she will “help your unbelief!”)
     Anyway, if I were a younger man, I would probably become very actively involved in trying to change the way Christians perceive God’s view of marriage. Because Christian marriage is linked to our being the bride of Christ, it should never be taken lightly, or entered into unadvisedly; however, it must be seen more in line with what God had in mind, and I cannot believe that what I see today is what He had in mind! I, simply, do not believe that He intended for His declaration of His ”hate” for divorce to be interpreted to mean that He also hates those who divorce and I, certainly, do not believe He intended it to imprison those who do marry within the narrow confines of denial and the misery it produces.
     From what I have seen, almost every couple is set up to fail from the very moment they take the “wedding vows” because the onus for success is placed squarely on their shoulders, which is far removed—very far removed—from anything even remotely akin to the New Covenant!
     Anyway, you think about it! Grace lavished!

In Relentless Pursuit

Mary Magdalene and her love for Jesus never cease to amaze me. She is one of my favorite Biblical characters for several reasons, not the least of which is the passion with which she pursued Jesus. I really wish we had more information about her and about her relationship with Jesus because I think it would be quite revealing, even astonishing.
In my message this past Sunday (resurrection morning!), I spent a few minutes dealing with her involvement in the resurrection story, and as I did, this “hit” me like the proverbial “ton of bricks”: she never gave up her pursuit of Him, even in the face of His physical death. Even after His crucifixion, when everyone else was “holed up” in fear and confusion, she was out in the dark of the early morning hours doing anything but giving up—Now on the first day of the week Mary Magdalene came early to the tomb, while it was still dark, and saw the stone already taken away from the tomb (John 20:1). Why do you think she was out so early in the morning at the place of His burial? May I offer my opinion? Deep inside her heart-of-hearts, she knew that He was everything she had ever heard him claim to be—and more; she knew that death could not hold Him, she knew that God would raise up that Temple on the third day!
Have you ever noticed that most of us see only what we are looking to see? Take Peter and John for example: they were not looking to find Jesus alive; instead, they were looking for His dead body, wondering why anyone would want to steal it and, thereby, abuse it. They could not think past the fact that He was dead and buried (and I surely do not fault them for this).
Mary, however, would not give up what she believed so deeply. To be sure, she was looking for His dead body, but in my opinion, as she looked, she was also clinging to what she had heard him say (probably in many different ways and at many different times)—to you it has been granted to know the mysteries of the Kingdom of God—and she refused to let go of it. Might I remind you that one of the greatest of these mysteries, if not the greatest, was Jesus’ talk about resurrection (I am the resurrection and the life . . . John 11:25)?
You see, she was looking for far more than His dead body and she refused to let go of her search. As a result, when she looked into the tomb, she saw what Peter and John did not see—two angels adorned in white sitting, even speaking to her, one at the head and one at the feet, where the body of Jesus had been lying—because (in my opinion) she was looking far beyond the grave, pregnant with expectation and hope.
Then, as you remember, her faith became sight: Woman why are you weeping? Whom are you seeking? (Can’t you imagine the smile He was trying to conceal, just long enough for her to recognize Him?) Then the glorious moment of truth, as He spoke her name—MARY!
I am so thankful that Mary was relentless in her pursuit of Jesus, even after His crucifixion, and I am so for many reasons, not the least of which is this: she stirs me to be much more relentless in my pursuit of Him and to be much more expectant (hopeful) of His revealing Himself to me—unexpectedly but right on time!
          
     

The Holy Week Dancer

Rather than trying to repeat what someone said, it is sometimes better to get their permission and allow them to speak for themselves and this is one of those occasions. Karen is a member of Grace Christian Fellowship, the church I have served as pastor since the fall of 1995. She has been a part of this family for only a few months but I have learned more about Jesus from her in that brief time than I could ever tell you. She has multiple sclerosis (MS) and suffers relentlessly; however, her suffering has somehow driven her to realize that few things really matter in this life, really only two—her relationship with Jesus and her relationship with each of us. Although she can barely walk, she dances during every sermon I preach! Oh, you wouldn’t know it by outward observation but she dances, nevertheless! She has joined His party and His dance and as you can tell from what she has written, she loves it! Somehow she knows that the “cup” of which Jesus spoke is both a cup of suffering and a cup of incredible joy! Listen to what she has to say (this is an email she sent to me):

Tonight I'm trying to hang on to anything I can, and not doing a very good job of it. I have no idea what is going on any more. I am going to Columbus to see the neurologist Thursday morning. Between that and the shot Thursday after I get home, I cannot imagine making it to any service this week. I am hoping to force my way over to see Kevin Wednesday morning and that should wipe me out real good and set up for Thursday's doctor visit so he can see just what is going on right now. I cannot tell you how much I will miss the services or even how much I fear what's in store after that trip, recovery wise. As long as I can remember that God really is in control, whether He asks my opinion on how He's doing things or not, I can make it through.

The last time I was at Holy Week services was the month after my Father died in 1994. I sang in the choir and was at each service with energy to spare, not much, but some. 12 years has seen a lot of changes, many of which I don't like or want. My church is the one main change I do like, and I am currently unable to attend, but will be there in spirit and back as soon as it is possible. Know that I miss you all very much and am praying for you all to know that you know that you know God is good, even when we feel like we are the ones going through Good Friday. It's Good Friday that keeps me going and hanging onto any scrap of faith. My bad times are not anywhere near His bad time that day. And He did it so I could endure today. That's love. That's amazing love. And it gives me hope and faith. With the three, life is doable. Without them, I'm as good as dead already. I have found more faith, hope and love with your ministry than I have anywhere else. You have shown me the path to Jesus as you have sought Him yourself. You have shown me grace in action as you have lived it, along with your church family. I am alive because of God's Grace becoming real and tangible at GCF.

I'm still looking for the gate to get out of this fence. But, faith has become more real. Love has become more real. Hope has become more real. And every time I say that, things get worse. And His Grace is still sufficient. But I really, really miss my family and just getting out among the living. So, I'll be back as soon as I possibly can, and probably too soon for wisdom, like last time.

Much love,
Karen

Now, let this sink in and have a blessed Holy Week!

Never Shall You Wash My Feet

Never shall You wash my feet! These are the words Simon Peter spoke (exclaimed) to Jesus, as Jesus knelt before him to wash his feet. I do not know what really prompted Peter’s reaction but I do know this: it was spontaneous and it was sincere. Peter, obviously, found himself in a very difficult place and he reacted in an effort to avoid confronting his fear—being loved (really loved, up close, and personal) by the One who loves without condition, the One who does not keep a record of wrongs suffered, the One who never even notices when others do it wrong, the One who came, not to be served but to serve.
     In the end, he changed his mind and eagerly submitted to Jesus’ leadership in his life but not without first hearing and embracing Jesus’ powerful, loving, and compassionate words—If I do not wash you, you have no part with Me. Of course, per Peter’s usual modus operandi, he went overboard in the other direction with these words: Lord, not my feet only, but also my hands and my head!
     I have the strong feeling that Peter never forgot these precious moments when the creator of the universe, the eternal, omnipotent, omniscient, Redeemer of the world gently splashed cool, clear water over his feet, carefully washing away the dust and dirt of the day’s journey and, finally, wiping them dry with a towel. But even more, I think he never forgot what happened within his heart as he experienced Jesus’ humility and compassion, expressed in His unconditional love, the love that gave him a foretaste of what it would mean to have a clean heart—forgiven and made righteous through the death, burial, and resurrection of his Beloved, foot-washing Messiah! What an incredible gift!
     Having said all of that, I wonder this: How often has Jesus come to you, kneeling before you (maybe in the form of one of your friends, maybe even a stranger, possibly even an enemy) and, thereby, moving you out of your comfort zone (way out of it), offering you the very gift that would forever change your life, only to hear your reacting with, “No! No!  I could never allow you to do that!” During these times, He has in all probability been offering you the gift that would draw you into an intimacy with Him that you could never imagine (a Song of Songs intimacy); the gift that would make you face your greatest fear and, thereby, release you from it; the gift that would eradicate the self-concept that has tortured you and controlled you all of your life and replace it with the exact representation (image) of the Son; the gift that would truly set you free to be the person He created you to be.
     Think twice before you reject Him again because He just might be trying to help you get a glimpse of what lies on the other side of the fence, the fence that has kept most (if not all) Christians corralled and, therefore, separated from the Promised Land—the land that flows with the milk and honey of freedom!
     Just thought I would share with you what I think He is telling me.

The Real Jesus?

     
Dear Fellow Travelers,
     For some reason, I have believed most of my life that these days would be the best days of my life; after all, I am 64 years old and have had plenty of time to rehearse the final act of my life’s drama. However, I have the feeling that my vision of these Golden Years was, indeed, seen through a dark and clouded glass.
     Without going through all the various details, let me cut to the chase and get to the point: I am more convinced than ever that those of us who call ourselves Christians have been deceived (really, seriously deceived) concerning Jesus, and I am just as convinced that the deception is intertwined in the fence we call “Christianity” (the fence that keeps all the Christian denominations corralled) much like the branches of a trumpet vine intertwine one’s backyard fence. Sure, the blossoms on the trumpet vine are very beautiful but removing the branches from the fence is very difficult—almost impossible—which is why I believe these Golden Years might not be quite what I have imagined.
     Anyway, I never dreamed that I would be in such a determined search to discover and to know the real Jesus, not the Jesus that Christian theologians have contrived, in order to make Him fit into their varying belief systems, but the Jesus of the Bible—the One who grew up like a tender shoot out of parched ground; the One who loved the poor, the lame, the blind, the crippled but shunned the religious; the One who spoke in parables, not to be understood but to bring even more confusion; the One who dared to refuse the mirrors of a thousand opinions and, instead, to choose to do only that which He saw His Father doing and to say only that which His Father told Him to say; the One who refused to get caught up in the religion of His day and, instead, to usher into His day His Father’s Kingdom (Empire); the One who dared to live outside the religious fences of His day and socialize with prostitutes and drunks; the One who had no reputation to uphold, no theological paradigm to defend—the Jesus who is the Son of God, the Jewish Messiah, and the Gentile’s Redeemer!
     I really do want to discover Him and get to know Him not only for me, but also for you because I really do believe that we are missing something—something incredibly good; however, the journey will be very difficult. Breaking up reinforced concrete always is, you know.
     Just thought I would tell you what is going on in me!

The Mysteries of the Kingdom

At the end of the parable of the sower, the disciples asked Jesus this question: Why do You speak to them in parables (Matthew 13:10b)? His answer was a bit strange, to say the least: To you it has been granted to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it has not been granted (Matthew 13: 11). What an incredible gift Jesus bestowed upon the disciples—to know (really know) the mysteries of the Kingdom of Heaven—but from what I can see, the rest were left in rather dire straights—completely excluded. (Please keep in mind, however, that I am probably more concerned about their “dire straights” than they were because they really had no interest in knowing these mysteries; in fact, they probably saw them as being foolishness.)
     Anyway, as the result of my having read Brian McLaren’s trilogy: A New Kind of Christian; The Story We Find Ourselves In; and The Last Word and the Word After That, this notion of the Kingdom of God (Kingdom of Heaven) has been freshly stirred within me, and this “stirring” has caused me to wonder if there is not much more to the Kingdom of God, than I have ever imagined. I have the strong sense that the revelation of these mysteries has been shrouded in the influence of this outer fence, the one to which you have recently heard me refer—the one we call Christianity.
     Listen to some of the ways Jesus refers to the Kingdom: But if I cast out demons by the finger of God, then the kingdom of God has come upon you (Luke 11:20); The Kingdom of God has come near  to you (Luke 10:9b); Blessed is everyone who eats bread in the Kingdom of God (Luke 14:15b); Do not be afraid little flock, for your Father has chosen gladly to give you the Kingdom (Luke 12:32); For behold, the Kingdom of God is in your midst (Luke 17:21b); The Kingdom of Heaven is like leaven, which a woman took, and hid in three pecks of meal, until it was all leavened (Matthew 13:33); How hard it is for those who are rich to enter the Kingdom of God! For it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God (Luke 18:24-25); My Kingdom is not of this world. If My Kingdom were of this world, then My servants would be fighting, that I might not be delivered up to the Jews; but as it is My Kingdom is not of this realm (John 18:36).
     As you can see, the Kingdom of God might be more like a diamond with many facets, than like, well, like whatever we have idealized it to be based on our own limited abilities to visualize spiritual truths. I am convinced that we will never really know the mysteries of the Kingdom until we are willing to look over the fence, the fence that has for so long determined our belief systems, into the promised land—the One True Promised Land!

Casting into Stone

Dear Fellow Travelers,
     The older I become (and I am fast becoming), the more obvious it becomes (“it,” being the obvious) that it is very dangerous to cast into stone that which you believe to be truth, you know—make a monument out of it—especially, if you really want it to be truth, i.e., if your desire for it to be truth is greater than your desire to know if it is truth.
     Being in the funeral profession, monuments are a part of life for me, kind of like dead folk? You know, they just are—everywhere. As you might imagine, I have spent quite a bit of time in cemeteries; consequently, I have also spent quite a bit of time (mostly out of boredom but some out of intrigue) reading what someone cast into stone regarding the one who sleeps just beneath the stone slab—the deceased. In my reading, I have observed that not everything that has been cast into stone is truth. The name, along with the birth and death dates, might be accurate but the rest, well let me just say that it is not always truth. Sometimes, I think it is a statement of what someone wished to be truth, rather than truth itself, so much so, that they had come to see it as truth (it was more important that what they wished to be truth be viewed as truth, than whether or not it was actually truth).
     For example, the monument for the deceased, abusive father that reads, John Smith - Beloved Husband and Father, is more a statement of what someone wished to be truth, than a statement of actual truth. For some reason, I have never seen the words John Smith – Child Molester cast into the stone face of a cemetery monument. Sometimes (probably, much of the time), it is much easier to cast what you wish to be true into the stone, than to cast the truth itself, especially when the truth itself proves to be contrary to everything you desire.
     Why this? Well, the older I become, the more aware I become that I have tended to cast much of the theology I have believed (and really wished to be true) into stone monuments, so much so that the cemetery that now contains them is probably very overcrowded.
     For example, on the “Faith Lot,” one of the stone slabs has this carved into its face: Only Believe and All Things are Possible. There was a time when I believed this because I desperately wanted it to be true. In my mind, in order for what I had been taught to prove true, this had to be true; otherwise, I would have to ditch the self-righteous notion that I was a man of such faith that God could use me. The message was clear: if God doesn’t come through, it is because you do not have enough faith! As you can imagine, having enough faith was critical to the success of my self-righteousness (which by the way I loved!).
     On the “Sin Lot,” one of the stone slabs has this carved into its face: Sin Separates us From God, Therefore, We Must Stop Sinning. Sadly, there was a time when I believed this because I really wanted it to be true. In order for me to hold on to that which I held so dear (my ability to please God by my self-righteousness ability not to sin), this had to be true; otherwise, I had nothing about which to boast. On the surface, it appeared that I was quite capable of keeping my “sin list” short—very short; however, that which is on the surface is usually polluted, you know, like surface water. Obviously, I never wanted anyone to see below the surface, not even God; therefore, hiding was my drug of choice. Surely, you can see how important it was for me that what I cast into this stone monument be true; to say the least, I wanted it to be truth more than I wanted to know if it was truth!
     As you might imagine, this cemetery is not one of my favorite places to visit; it almost reminds me of the Holocaust Museum—the stench of unnecessary death is everywhere! I say “unnecessary” because had I been more determined to know truth than I was to enshrine what I believed and wanted to be truth, there would probably have been no need for this cemetery in the first place.
     Anyway, there is one more “lot” that I want to mention—the “Hell Lot” and I must admit that the stone slabs in this lot are discolored and tarnished, some even chipped, from the abuse of the years and years of winds and rains beating down upon them.  In this lot there is a granite slab on which I had engraved these words: The Place of Eternal Torment for Everyone Who Does Not See the Truth as I See the Truth. You see, for my entire life as a believer, I have believed that Hell is the place (a literal, burning, fiery, eternal torment) where those who have not put their faith in Jesus Christ for eternal life will spend eternity—the absence of the Presence of God and the exact opposite of Heaven. Well, who wouldn’t embrace this (“who” referring to a protestant believer)? What is wrong with casting this into stone and making a monument out of it? This is, after all, the teaching of Jesus, is it not?
     Well, in the first place Jesus’ definition of eternal life differs just a tad from the definition that this assumption implies. This is the way Jesus defined it . . . that to all whom Thou hast given Him, He may give eternal life. And this is eternal life, that they might know Thee, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom Thou hast sent (John 17:3; emphasis, mine). Did you notice what is obviously absent in His definition? He makes no reference to time! How interesting! Jesus talks about eternal life but makes no reference to time, whatsoever; instead He equates it with intimacy. Conversely, it is almost impossible for us even to think of eternal life without some reference to time. Attempting to do so is about like attempting to think of swimming without some reference to water.
     Why this? It leads me to think that we might need to reconsider, to rethink our notion of Hell. At the very least, we should consider which of these is most important: maintaining my present belief about Hell or knowing the actual truth about Hell? If you (like me) have already cast into a stone monument your idea of the truth concerning Hell, you will probably find it difficult even to consider an alternative; however, allow me to remind you that both of us have probably been more interested in defending and protecting our monument than we have in knowing truth, which by the way, at least according to Jesus is eternal life.
     I sincerely hope that your “cemetery of monuments” is not as crowded as mine because breaking up cement is NOT easy!