Marriage: What in the World III

Dear Fellow Travelers,
The email responses to my last two perspectives regarding marriage have been VERY interesting and encouraging, some even a bit “feisty.” They leave me with no doubt that I hit a very raw nerve and stirred up all kinds of emotions. Unfortunately, my assumption is being proven: there are many, many people, living in what we call Christian marriages (some for many years), who are very frustrated, angry, tired, and, especially, hopeless. And, like it or not, these negative feelings are the fruit of what the church taught them about marriage, divorce, and remarriage (By the way, I am as of now, identifying this collection of negative feelings as the “Until Death Do Us Part Syndrome”).
Furthermore, there are many divorced Christians, who sincerely desire to be married again (if not now, at least in the future) but because of the teachings of the church cannot so much as express the desire, much less act upon it. To do so would be to commit spiritual suicide (I will explain what I mean by that in a later article). In the mind of the religious church (and most fit into this category), if you do not have what it calls a “Biblical divorce,” to remarry is the same as committing adultery. In the end, the only way these dear folk can survive is to leave the church.
Even further, there are many Christians, who have never been married and probably never will marry and for good reason: why would anyone want to enter into an “until-death-do-us-part” relationship, when it is obvious that most of them are unsuccessful and there is no legitimate way out (according to the church), except of course adultery. Even in that situation, the mindset is that God will work it out, if you just give Him time and die to self. Sadly, the church’s definition of “death to self” leaves one a “non-person,” which is far removed from the purpose of the Biblical definition.
Yes, I am aware that God is and has always been in the healing business, and I am equally aware that He does as He pleases, when He pleases, even in the marriages of Christian people. However, I am also acutely aware that He does not always respond to my every whim, even when it would make perfect sense for Him to do so, e.g. heal a unhealthy marriage. Sometimes marriage simply does not work and God knows it, and even though He hates divorce, He continues to love and cherish those who do—probably more than He does those who pretend—because He hates dishonesty more than He hates divorce. How do I know? He told me! Remember: He divorced himself from Israel (Jeremiah 3:8) BUT He has NEVER told a lie!
In the near future, I am going to be calling together a diverse group of people from near and far to brainstorm with me on this subject: “Divorce and Remarriage within the Christian Community.” I trust that you will be praying for me and for the group, especially in light of the fact that some of you just might be invited to join forces.

Blessings and grace lavished,
Mac

Marriage: What in the World!!

Dear Fellow Travelers,
Last week’s perspective regarding “Christian marriage” generated enough response to motivate me to pursue the thought a bit further, so here goes; albeit, against my better judgment.
In my opinion, it is long past-time for Christians to get their heads out of the sand and face the obvious: the vast majority of married Christians are living, either in major denial (denial that is precipitated by the legalistic teachings of the church), or in utter and sustained misery (probably both), and I say this not as a casual observer but as one who has spent most of the past 30 years (even longer) not only as a pastor, but also as a counselor, dealing with Christian couples and their difficult, dysfunctional marriages. Unfortunately, after all those years of counseling, I know very few Christian couples, who have even a semblance of healthy marriage, even after years and years of living together as “husband and wife.”
If I were a single man seriously considering Christian marriage, but before taking that step could first have the advantage of looking into the lives of a hundred random Christian couples to get an inside look into what Christian marriage is really about, what I would see would in all probably cause me to remain single, or at least to avoid Christian marriage. Why would anyone (in their right mind) want to sign up for an “until death do us part” commitment with another human being, after learning (1) that probably 98% of the couples in that random sampling are living, either in denial, or in utter misery (probably both) and (2) that regardless of the misery or the reasons for the misery, there is absolutely no legitimate way out—only death—unless one or both partners can muster up the courage to commit the “unpardonable” sin and divorce; and (3) that the Church treats divorced Christians much like everyone treated the lepers of the New Testament (with, of course, the single exception of Jesus) . Go figure!
Now, if my guess is correct, you are probably thinking that my years of counseling have turned me sour toward Christian marriage (if you weren’t thinking it, you are now); however, that is not the case. Even after all the hours I have spent engaged in marriage counseling, having seen and heard everything (times many) that one could ever see or hear, I continue to believe that God had something very good in mind for Christian marriage; HOWEVER, I have come to believe (not recently) that the church has missed it—totally and completely. Surely, this is evidenced by the fact that more than half of the Christian marriages that are performed in any given year, end in divorce—an even greater number than that of the secular variety. As added evidence, consider this: for many years of my life, I spent six, seven, even eight hours per day counseling, and most of that counseling was marriage counseling. Evidently, something is askew—seriously, askew—and I think it is time for those of us who know and love Jesus to get our heads out of the sand and stop pretending that “all-is-well” when “all-isn’t-even-close-to-well” and to begin to seek the truth regarding God’s idea and plan for Christian marriage.
Enough for today (not to mention my space is running out)! This is probably the second part of a many-part series on marriage, so keep reading and please pray that I have the energy and will (I am running short on both) not only to open this stinking, repulsive, festering “lesion of religion,” but also to seek to find truth and to bring it to those who desire it.

Marriage: What in the World?

Dear Fellow Travelers,
     Lately, I have been thinking a great deal about marriage, especially whatever this is we call “Christian Marriage,” and the more I think about it, the more I realize that, if it is in any way linked to Jesus, then most (the vast majority) have missed out on what He had in mind—seriously, missed out. The truth is I know far more couples who have “troubled marriages,” than I know couples who have “healthy marriages.” If the honest truth be told, most Christian couples live, either in denial of the truth, OR in utter misery (probably both) and, tragically, over time lose their own personhood.
     The really sad part of my observation is this: for the most part, the Christian church is responsible for this, be it Methodist, Baptist, Presbyterian, Lutheran, Anabaptist, Charismatic, or Automatic. Why? Because it has taken what God had in mind and twisted and turned it into a legalistic monster that will not even allow for the honest admission of true feelings. From its vantage point, God not only hates divorce, He also hates those who divorce, and He does so with passion; consequently, Christians couples find it safer to simply keep their feelings to themselves, or to deny that they exist at all. The fact is this: for a Christian to admit to having a marriage problem is to become the problem! (If you do not believe this, ask someone who has “been there” and he/she will “help your unbelief!”)
     Anyway, if I were a younger man, I would probably become very actively involved in trying to change the way Christians perceive God’s view of marriage. Because Christian marriage is linked to our being the bride of Christ, it should never be taken lightly, or entered into unadvisedly; however, it must be seen more in line with what God had in mind, and I cannot believe that what I see today is what He had in mind! I, simply, do not believe that He intended for His declaration of His ”hate” for divorce to be interpreted to mean that He also hates those who divorce and I, certainly, do not believe He intended it to imprison those who do marry within the narrow confines of denial and the misery it produces.
     From what I have seen, almost every couple is set up to fail from the very moment they take the “wedding vows” because the onus for success is placed squarely on their shoulders, which is far removed—very far removed—from anything even remotely akin to the New Covenant!
     Anyway, you think about it! Grace lavished!