Comforted to Comfort Others

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3-7; ESV).


I. Being a Christian does not exempt us from affliction (pain, difficulty, hardship, misery and suffering); instead it guarantees it.
II. God does, however, comfort (calm, reassure, soothe, console) us in our affliction/suffering.
III. God comforts us in our affliction/suffering not only to encourage and enable us to continue on through, but also to enable us to comfort others who are going through affliction and suffering.
IV. We comfort others with the comfort we have received from God.
V. As we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, through Him we also share abundantly in comfort.


It is in my opinion important to remember that the affliction/suffering to which he refers is not the result of our foolish choices but the result of our standing firm in the truth of the gospel in the face of strong opposition—the same sufferings which both Paul and Jesus suffered (this does not mean that we shouldn’t attempt to comfort those who are suffering for their own foolish choices or for unfortunate events that happen in this life).

Furthermore, in my opinion, a lesson or two in the methodology of comforting others would be beneficial. Oftentimes, what we do in the name of “comforting” others, irrespective of why they need comforting, is nothing more or less than our feeble efforts at attempting to improve the way we think others look at us—comforting ourselves, in other words.

Let’s look at an example: You read in the obits that an acquaintance of yours has experienced physical death and you read on to learn that the visitation will be tomorrow night from 6:00 – 8:00. It matters not what you might have planned to do, you cancel everything and make your plans to be present and to be seen. In your mind, this friend’s widow/widower is expecting you to come and she will be so comforted, thereby. In fact, you decide to stop by his/her house on your way to work, just to let him/her know that you care; to bring the comfort of your presence and concern. [What is your true motive?]

Let’s look at another example: You just learned that your neighbor’s wife is in the hospital and your immediate response is to take food to the family, so you cook a very nice meal and deliver it, just at mealtime, to comfort them. [What is your true motive?]

One other example: You just heard that someone’s child in your neighborhood was allegedly molested by her uncle, DFACS has been called, the man has been arrested, and the vigilantes have gathered for the hanging. You were molested as a child; consequently, you not only have a vested interest in this, you also have much “experience,” which you are sure this family desires and from which this family can benefit. So, you get on your “painted pony” and head to this family’s house to “comfort them.” [What is your true motive?]

Now, with that, let me offer some considerations for you to consider:

1. We cannot comfort another out of our neediness, which is what most of us, unknowingly, attempt to do.
2. We cannot comfort another by assuming their offense; instead, in doing so, we rob them of being able to find the true comfort that Christ offers.
3. We cannot comfort others by getting involved with their personal business, unless of course, they invite us to do so, and even then it is risky. If someone wants us involved in their personal business, they will extend the invitation.
4. We cannot comfort others by attempting to validate (give credence to) their own false beliefs, beliefs that most often are the very reason they are suffering.
5. We cannot comfort others by attempting to “fix” what is causing them to suffer, unless of course they have acute appendicitis and we are surgeons, which most of us are not.
6. We do not comfort others by determining what is “best” for them and running interference for them to be sure that they get the “best” without any pain.
7. We cannot comfort others by negating their feelings, regardless of how rational or irrational the feelings might be.
8. We cannot comfort others by attempting to be their “savior.”
9. We cannot comfort others by telling them that we understand.
10. The most effective comfort we can offer another is the awesome power of a listening and safe ear.

MARRIAGE, DIVORCE, & REMARRIAGE WITHIN THE CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY Part XI

This week, I want to change gears just a bit and address something that I believe is one of the “keys” to our seeing fewer divorces. As I look back over the thousands of hours of marriage counseling I have done during the past 26+ years, it becomes obvious to me that most of the troubled marriages I have known, including but not limited to the ones that ended in divorce, have at least these two commonalities: pretense and denial. The people who appear to have the happiest, healthiest marriages do not live in the land of fantasy, nor do they live in the land of denial; instead, they consistently and honestly evaluate their relationships, face reality, deal with it prudently, and move on with strengthened connections—emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Actually, I could provide you with hundreds and hundreds of specific examples of troubled marriages but allow me to use this generalization to create a fictional but realistic example: A young couple, both of whom grew up in what we would call protestant, evangelical Christianity and, consequently, are thoroughly indoctrinated with the mindset that God hates divorce and allows for only one escape (adultery); otherwise, it is “until death alone separates us”, decide to marry and do so. Soon after the wedding she realizes that she has made a terrible mistake, having never seen the “red flags” that are now so evident. Unfortunately, when she attempts to talk with her husband about her concerns, he tells her that she is crazy, or that she is imagining things. If she suggests that they seek counseling, he reacts with, “I don’t believe in counseling, besides we cannot afford it!” Furthermore, she cannot express her concern to any of her Christian friends because she knows from listening to their gossip that she would become a fresh source of it. As you might imagine, weeks pass into months and months pass into years and years pass into decades, and all-the-while their skills at pretending and denial become very sharply honed.
Of course, as the years become decades, their lives become increasingly complicated—children, school, church, debt, illnesses, jobs, et al—and they grow further and further apart. They find themselves living the typical “wake up, go to work, come home, eat supper, watch TV, go to bed” lifestyle, with of course a few add-ons from time to time. In other words, their marriage has no life and there is a word that describes this condition quite well—DEATH. But even the death of the marriage cannot quell the long-standing mindset that says, “God hates divorce and I made a vow that I would remain until death alone should separate us.” (Too bad that “death” was not defined more clearly at the time of the wedding.)
If my fictional example describes you (at least somewhat), you will probably agree with me that had you been able to communicate about the “red flags” you saw early on in the relationship, and if in doing so you had been able to confront (lovingly) the truth about the issues that surrounded these “red flags”, things would have probably never gotten to the present state of dysfunction or death. Furthermore, if one wise person had discerned the difficulties you were experiencing and, merely, chosen to journey with you, as a true friend, giving you a safe place to express your true feelings, without the fear of judgment, condemnation, and gossip, this entire “train wreck” might have been avoided.
My point: If your mate is asking you to sit down with him/her and discuss your relationship, SEE THAT YOU DO IT! If your mate is asking you to seek counsel for your addictions, your anger, your depression, SEEK IT! Cease living in a world of fantasy and denial; accept the truth that your marriage is in shambles and face reality; otherwise, you just might find yourself trying to figure out how to avoid a divorce. I can hear you now: why in the world does she/he want to divorce, especially after all of these years.
My conclusion: If you are a young couple, begin now to communicate with each other; share your true feelings, concerns, and dreams. Stop living in the world of fantasy and denial and begin to live in the real and healthy world of connected relationship; otherwise, you, too, will wake up one day having to face the reality that your mate is finished, through, done in and filing for divorce. You might even have to face this very harsh reality: your mate has found someone else, someone who is very willing to do all the things you have refused to do. –Mac

Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage within the Christian Community Part IX

In last week’s perspective, I shared a portion of my recent experience in the court system, and in doing so I made this statement: our legal system, as good as it might be, is a colossal failure. The following week, I received this email and was granted permission to share it with you. Hold onto your hat because it will take you breath!

"I saw this happen to my middle son, John. After 21 years of staying in a miserable marriage (made miserable because his wife kept him in horrible financial trouble) he walked out one day and turned to alcoholism and Lord knows what else. They went for counseling, but by then he was so hurt and devastated that he couldn’t see past the problem, so he only went a couple of times.

His wife sued for divorce and John would not even retain a lawyer (against my insistence that he do so), so she took him for everything he had, even his retirement where he had worked for 22 years. He got all the charge cards to pay off, a monthly life insurance premium (with her as beneficiary), 2/3 of his net take home pay as child support, and income taxes on the part of his retirement that she got, which, when you total that up, he had nothing to live on.

When the divorce took place, John’s boys were then 20 and 17 and the wife had a good job. But the court decisions were based on only John’s having any financial responsibility in the family. John had also already paid the college tuition for the older son (selling back his sick-leave and vacation time to his employer and taking money out of his retirement fund to do so).

The judicial system turned completely against John, and though I’m sure there were two sides to their failed marriage, he had been a hard working man, faithful husband, and loving father. When the court got through with him, he felt like nothing. His brothers and I did all we could, but he quit his job and became a broken and devastated man. I just wish that lawyers and judges could see the effects of the decisions they make and how cold, calculated and unfair they can be.

John died of a massive heart attack on June 15, 2003 at the age of 47. Part of me died that day!"

There is no wonder that there is such wide-spread interest in our present subject, nor is there any wonder that people have such strong opinions regarding it, but I do wonder why we sit idly by and do nothing to find a better way. Unfortunately, the carnage continues and we read and hear more and more stories like the one you just read. In our complacency, we have allowed for that which should be in the hands of the church, to be in the hands of secular judges, who hear far too many cases and who have been given far too much power.

Listen carefully and see if these words won’t have a familiar ring to you: “Does any one of you, when he has a case against his neighbor, dare to go to law before the unrighteous, and not before the saints? Or do you not know that the saints will judge the world? And if the world is judged by you, are you not competent to constitute the smallest courts? Do you not know that we shall judge angels? How much more, matters of this life? If then you have law courts dealing with matters of this life, do you appoint them as judges who are of no account in the church? I say this to your shame. Is it so, that there is not among you one wise man who will be able to decide between his brethren, but brother goes to law with brother, and that before unbelievers? Actually, then, it is already a defeat for you, that you have lawsuits with one another. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be defrauded? On the contrary, you yourselves wrong and defraud, and that your brethren” (1 Corinthians 6:1-8).

My point? We have cast our pearls before swine and the end result is, well—slop!

You think about this and I will continue next week—
-Mac

Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage within the Christian Community

In light of the fact that I just returned to my office from having spent the past five hours with my daughter in the Jones County Georgia Court House, as she sought (successfully) a temporary settlement agreement, pursuant to getting a divorce from her husband, I wonder if I have what it takes to write Part VIII of this many-part series. Oh well, I will give it the old college try and, hopefully, it will prove to be worthwhile reading.
In the first place, there is very little about a court house that appeals to me, probably because it is such a stark reminder of both the depravity of man and the power of sin. As I listened to the various cases that came before the judge, watched the facial expressions of those caught up in the legal system, and talked to the various court employees about their experiences, it did not take me long to remember what I have long-known to be true, namely, that our legal system, as good as it might be, is a colossal failure. The evidence, I might add, is plenteous and obvious.
For example, there is the question of recidivism (rate of return). Most of the people who stood before this judge were obviously (he made it obvious) not first-time-offenders; in fact, many had been before him (or one of his colleagues) several times previously. You be the judge of what this tells us about the effectiveness of the system, even if only a portion of the system’s purpose is rehabilitation.
Then of course, there is the question of justice. Are these defendants really receiving justice? Are the “guilty” really guilty? Are the “innocent” really innocent? I deliberately chose to dialogue with several of the employees who by mere observation would have had a wealth of information, and the findings were just what I expected. One need not be a “rocket scientist,” just a mere observer, to recognize that local politics, poor legal representation, and incompetence on the part of government programs (such as DFACS) are key contributors to the innocent being found guilty and, oftentimes, given very long prison sentences, as well as the guilty being found innocent and set free.
As you might imagine, most of the cases on any given court calendar have to do with two specific areas: (1) domestic issues—child custody, child support, child molestation, divorce, alimony, assault, assault and battery; and (2) the endless line of drug offenders. I watched today as a young man and his (young) wife stood before the judge because she had pressed charges against him for failure to pay child support to the tune of nearly $10,000. Interestingly, the judge never even stuttered, as he said, “I order you incarcerated in the county jail until the child support is paid!” The young wife began to cry as the sheriff’s deputy led her husband out of the courtroom in handcuffs. She never intended it to be this way, nor did he, but this is the way the legal system works. Now, do not do what I know that some of you will do and jump to the conclusion that I think he should have been given a fifth of Scotch and applauded, as the judge set him free. In my opinion, he should have been made to pay the child support—period (well, if he really did owe it!)!
The really sad part unfolded in two steps: (1) As the deputy led her husband out of the courtroom, she turned and (inadvertently) stood facing his red-faced father, whose anger-filled words (“I appreciate you so much!”) pierced her heart; and (2) For the next half hour or so, I watched this young, broken-hearted, tearful, embarrassed, shamed wife pace up and down the hall in front of everyone, futilely fighting to hold back her overpowering emotions, and I know what she was thinking (well, I think I do) and it was this: I should never have pressed charges, then none of this would have happened. I tried to deal with a legitimate problem the best way I knew how but I ultimately had to turn to the legal system and now I AM THE PROBLEM.
After years of dealing with her problem the best way she knew, my daughter, Amy, finally mustered the courage to enter into our legal system as a broken, tired, weary, married woman with two children not only seeking divorce, but also taking the risk of becoming the problem.
Sadly (the really, really sad part), nothing was accomplished yesterday that could not have been much more effectively accomplished by church leaders, and, I might add, with much less expense, IF the church would stop declaring the one who admits to having a problem, THE PROBLEM and, thereby, open the door for them to at least enquire. I probably won’t live long enough to forget this comment my daughter, Amy, made the other night as we were discussing the issue of divorce: “ Daddy, that is the way church people are!” I can only tell you that she would have much rather taken her chances with the legal system than with the church, and for me that is SAD—VERY SAD!
You think about this and I will continue next week! Grace & peace, Mac