MARRIAGE, DIVORCE, & REMARRIAGE WITHIN THE CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY Part XI

This week, I want to change gears just a bit and address something that I believe is one of the “keys” to our seeing fewer divorces. As I look back over the thousands of hours of marriage counseling I have done during the past 26+ years, it becomes obvious to me that most of the troubled marriages I have known, including but not limited to the ones that ended in divorce, have at least these two commonalities: pretense and denial. The people who appear to have the happiest, healthiest marriages do not live in the land of fantasy, nor do they live in the land of denial; instead, they consistently and honestly evaluate their relationships, face reality, deal with it prudently, and move on with strengthened connections—emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
Actually, I could provide you with hundreds and hundreds of specific examples of troubled marriages but allow me to use this generalization to create a fictional but realistic example: A young couple, both of whom grew up in what we would call protestant, evangelical Christianity and, consequently, are thoroughly indoctrinated with the mindset that God hates divorce and allows for only one escape (adultery); otherwise, it is “until death alone separates us”, decide to marry and do so. Soon after the wedding she realizes that she has made a terrible mistake, having never seen the “red flags” that are now so evident. Unfortunately, when she attempts to talk with her husband about her concerns, he tells her that she is crazy, or that she is imagining things. If she suggests that they seek counseling, he reacts with, “I don’t believe in counseling, besides we cannot afford it!” Furthermore, she cannot express her concern to any of her Christian friends because she knows from listening to their gossip that she would become a fresh source of it. As you might imagine, weeks pass into months and months pass into years and years pass into decades, and all-the-while their skills at pretending and denial become very sharply honed.
Of course, as the years become decades, their lives become increasingly complicated—children, school, church, debt, illnesses, jobs, et al—and they grow further and further apart. They find themselves living the typical “wake up, go to work, come home, eat supper, watch TV, go to bed” lifestyle, with of course a few add-ons from time to time. In other words, their marriage has no life and there is a word that describes this condition quite well—DEATH. But even the death of the marriage cannot quell the long-standing mindset that says, “God hates divorce and I made a vow that I would remain until death alone should separate us.” (Too bad that “death” was not defined more clearly at the time of the wedding.)
If my fictional example describes you (at least somewhat), you will probably agree with me that had you been able to communicate about the “red flags” you saw early on in the relationship, and if in doing so you had been able to confront (lovingly) the truth about the issues that surrounded these “red flags”, things would have probably never gotten to the present state of dysfunction or death. Furthermore, if one wise person had discerned the difficulties you were experiencing and, merely, chosen to journey with you, as a true friend, giving you a safe place to express your true feelings, without the fear of judgment, condemnation, and gossip, this entire “train wreck” might have been avoided.
My point: If your mate is asking you to sit down with him/her and discuss your relationship, SEE THAT YOU DO IT! If your mate is asking you to seek counsel for your addictions, your anger, your depression, SEEK IT! Cease living in a world of fantasy and denial; accept the truth that your marriage is in shambles and face reality; otherwise, you just might find yourself trying to figure out how to avoid a divorce. I can hear you now: why in the world does she/he want to divorce, especially after all of these years.
My conclusion: If you are a young couple, begin now to communicate with each other; share your true feelings, concerns, and dreams. Stop living in the world of fantasy and denial and begin to live in the real and healthy world of connected relationship; otherwise, you, too, will wake up one day having to face the reality that your mate is finished, through, done in and filing for divorce. You might even have to face this very harsh reality: your mate has found someone else, someone who is very willing to do all the things you have refused to do. –Mac