Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage Part XV

Well, the murder/suicide is history, the post-mortem examination is complete, and the results are as expected—the perpetrator contained very high levels of various toxins, each of which was the fruit of self-centeredness. Regardless, however, of the reasons, both perpetrator and victim begin to experience the pain of loss—significant loss, especially if the marriage lasted past the honeymoon stage. Enter grief!

Grief is essential, if a healthy lifestyle is to ensue; however, it is oftentimes a very difficult journey. The elements (denial, guilt, anger outward, anger inward, depression, resolution, etc) are predictable but they do not always present neatly packaged; consequently, many refuse to make the journey to healthy living and, therefore, find themselves locked in the prison of anger, bitterness, resentment, and, even, clinical depression—futilely trying to “get even” or to get back what they lost. In the end, these become enslaved to the one(s) they blame for their loss, spending every waking moment trying to figure out not only how to get back what they lost, but also how to get back in control of the one(s) they no longer control.

In many instances, this murder/suicide precipitates divorce, the legal end of a marriage that in most cases has long-since died. In my mind, the divorce decree is much like a death certificate, in that it serves as legal evidence of the death of the marriage. It is usually very difficult to get those involved to see this; however, it is true: in most instances, marriages die long before anyone mentions the word “divorce.” Sadly, this is true because the church has placed such a stigma on divorce, one that causes people to remain in dead relationships, even long after decomposition is complete, and that is far too long.

For most Christians, deep, long-standing convictions also become key players, players that make making the decision very, very difficult. The sincere desire to obey God and to please Him in all things make such convictions as “God hates divorce” and “until death separates us” and “what God hath joined together, let no man put asunder” and “God cannot bless willful disobedience” and “thou shalt not commit adultery” powerful deterrents to divorce, which is why so many choose to remain in marriages long after the vows have been broken and life has ceased.

Sadly, most never seem to learn the truth that Paul proclaimed—the letter kills but the Spirit gives life—consequently, they spend entire lifetimes futilely attempting to please God (who, thankfully, is already pleased) by remaining in their “dead” marriages, only to become modern-day Pharisees.

Thankfully, however, there are those who do come to realize that we (Christians) have been called to live, not according to the letter of the Law but according to the leadership of the Holy Spirit—the difference between living under the Old Covenant of Law and the New Covenant of Grace. These are the ones who finally come to realize that they no longer have to allow others to define obedience for them and can, therefore, view divorce as a gift of God’s love, rather than as His curse.

Now, make no mistake: divorce IS difficult—very difficult—not only for both parties but also for other family members and friends. There is no short-cut, no easy way out; instead, it is gut-wrenchingly painful. Even when both parties agree that divorce is the best option for them; it is none-the-less painful. Emotions run wild, with fear and anger being the dominant players, even in the lives of those who sincerely believe that divorce can be a gift of God’s love.

From my experience, one of the greatest fear-factors is the fact that obtaining a divorce most often means hiring an attorney (or attorneys, as the case may be) at great expense, only to find that once matters enter into the legal system, both parties lose any and all control over their futures. Of course, circumstances do make a difference, e.g. when children are involved or when large amounts of money or property are at stake. After years of being involved as a marriage counselor, I have seen the system make decisions that were devastating and altogether unfair. I can remember examples that I simply could not believe were taking place in a court of justice! To be sure, there is no wonder that most will endure any and all kinds of malevolence, even abuse, before choosing to place their lives into such an incredibly insane system.

Obviously, another of the deterrent fear-factors is the concern that is often expressed with these all-too-familiar words: “I cannot make it alone—emotionally, financially, or spiritually.” To be sure, for some to take life on alone is quite a challenge; however, living in a dead relationship is an even greater challenge. The problem is this: we tend to grow comfortable in our long-standing misery; whereas, the uncertain future appears to be very uncomfortable, at least, that is, until God makes us desperate for life—like a drowning man is desperate for air. Of course, the spouse who does not want the divorce tends to exacerbate this fear with comments such as, “You know that you cannot survive financially without my help” or “You know that you cannot make it alone as a single parent” or “You know that you know nothing about finances” or “You can’t even change a light bulb.”

In spite of all the fears and the ensuing anger, some do finally make it to freedom and when they do, well, all kinds of new emotions begin to surface (really, old emotions dressed in different garments) making even freedom a scary thing, much as it was for the black slaves of old. The signing of the emancipation proclamation set the slaves free—legally free—but it did NOT teach them how to live in freedom. Many of them walked off the plantations where they had been held in slavery but the new emotions they began to feel (old emotions dressed in different garments) had them second-guessing themselves at every turn. Unfortunate, but true—

Thankfully, it was for freedom that Christ set us free, therefore (to use the words of Paul), do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery!

Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage Part XIV

Believe it or not, back in the 1980’s, I actually served two terms as the coroner of Taylor County, that’s right—The Coroner of Taylor County! It was during this experience that I became very familiar with the term “toxicity” and for this good reason: many of the dead human bodies that fell under my jurisdiction found themselves in the medical examiner’s office, undergoing what is known as a post mortem examination, aka an autopsy, and, almost without exception, I requested a “toxicology” report from the medical examiner. The purpose of this report was to let me know both qualitatively and quantitatively of the “toxicity” of the deceased’s blood, that is did it contain drugs (legal or illegal) and if, yes, what were their levels. Obviously, this information was essential when it came to determining a cause of death, as well as the manner of death. As you might imagine, when a report came back to me indicating that the test was positive for drugs of any kind, especially at toxic levels, it influenced the outcome of the Coroner’s Inquest, be it death by natural causes, by accident, by homicide, or by suicide. As you can now easily see, in the Coroner’s world, the term “toxicity” has the stench of death all over it.
As strange as it might seem, to the marriage counselor, the word “toxicity” carries a very similar stench. If I had a post mortem examination for dead marriages (now that I think about it, I should develop one!), we would all probably be amazed at the percentage of them that would show very high levels of toxicity, and, I might add, the “toxins” would be very easy to identify—neglect, abandonment, emotional insulation, lying, cheating, insensitivity, lack of respect, perfectionism, control, invalidation of feelings, unrealistic expectations, insecurity, lack of boundaries, lack of transparency, lack of goals, and laziness, just to mention a few.
In my opinion, there is one heading under which all of the “toxins of marriage” fall and it is this: SELFCENTEREDNESS. In other words, the cause of death that should be shown on the Certificate of Divorce is always self-centeredness, and it is so because self-centeredness prevents any sense of connectedness—emotionally, physically, and spiritually—without which, there is no life. Attempting to have a viable, healthy marriage without this connectedness is about like attempting to survive as a human without water, oxygen, and food.
On the other hand, the manner of death is murder/suicide! Almost always one of the partners begs for this connectedness but the other (because of self-centeredness) exhibits most, if not all, of the above toxins, thereby, making the relationship toxic, and slowly but surely he kills the other and, thereby, commits marital suicide.
Let us think for a minute about the wife, who for years pleaded with her husband to be a listener instead of a controller, to be a responder instead of a reactor, to spend time with her, to show interest in her life but, instead, had to endure various affairs (I am reminded of the young wife, who told me of three of her husband’s affairs), continuous neglect (I am reminded of the wife who told me that she would much rather be her husband’s golf clubs than his wife because he took so much better care of them), debilitating control (I am reminded of the many wives, who have presented to me as non-persons due to their husband’s relentless control over their lives), demeaning perfectionism (I am reminded of the countless wives, who have told me of their incredible frustration with marriage because they can never do anything “right”; try as they may, they can never measure up to the invisible standard that seems to be ever increasing), unrealistic expectations (I am reminded of one of several wives, who told me of her husband’s long-standing refusal to have sex with her, unless she defecated on him, even if doing so required the use of an enema), long-standing invalidation of feelings (I am reminded of one wife in particular, who told me of her husbands continuous and long-standing “trashing” of the things she treasured, such as church and relationships), and, finally, her own emotional insulation (I am thinking of the countless wives whose husband’s were alcoholics, and in an effort to survive they learned to hide their feelings by putting a wall of emotional insulation around themselves—a wall that kept others out and at the same time kept them “in.”
Yes, this wife finally came to her senses and admitted the obvious: her husband had long-since committed the aforementioned murder/suicide and the cause of both was his self-centeredness. No, she was not perfect in her responses to his self-centeredness (who would or could have been?!) but she was genuinely interested in being his wife, in being his helpmate—the rest of him UNTIL she woke up to realize the obvious and painful truth—his interests in her were not, nor had they ever been for that matter, FOR her and her well-being; instead, his interests were completely self-serving! Just for the record: the ultimate act of self-centeredness is murder/suicide!
IF I had my post mortem examination for dead marriages ready for use and performed it on this one, I think it is obvious that the toxicology portion would indicate very high levels of TOXICITY—affairs, neglect, control, perfectionism, unrealistic expectations, invalidation of feelings, and emotional insulation—that would clearly demonstrate the self-centered nature of the perpetrator.
Poison is poison and poison kills—eventually—

Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage Part XIII

Hopefully, you remember my telling you about my friend’s (the very successful hedge fund trader) telling the desk clerk to give me the key to my room’s bar. At first, I wasn’t even aware that this was an option for me (I did not so much as know that the room had a bar) until the desk clerk made me aware, but, even then, I declined it; however, my friend intervened and instructed the clerk to give it to me, which he did. At that point, I had received (albeit, reluctantly) my option to drink freely from the bar that was in my room; however, as I told you last week, I never exercised my option—I never even opened the bar’s door. (I am still wondering why I did not, especially, in light of the fact that it would have cost me nothing! Maybe I will get another chance!)
Anyway, I reminded you of that story, in order to continue my discussion on the subject of “options” as they apply to Christian marriage. If you remember, I pointed out that many Christians, who are living in troubled marriages, are convinced that they have no option, other than of course the “until death separates us” option, and, therefore, they feel trapped. On occasion, I do meet someone who is aware of a good and viable option, one that is, actually, being offered to her, but most often she has already determined that she cannot accept it, certainly not as a personal possibility, usually due to religious teaching. As I said earlier, it is one thing to be convinced that you have no viable options, but it is even worse to know that a good and viable option is being offered to you, but you are not allowed to receive it, especially when you know that doing so would set you free.
Then, the saddest of all: the occasional person who does receive a good and viable option, as a personal possibility (for the sake of our example, let us use divorce), but cannot bring herself to exercise it. Most often, this comes as the result of having been controlled, even brainwashed, by religious (albeit, sometimes well-intentioned) teachers—parents, grandparents, pastors, Bible study teachers, Sunday School teachers, ad infinitum—to the extent that any thought that falls outside the parameters of their teaching, seems to be an heretical thought, one to be rejected at any cost.
Obviously, it was a major undertaking for this person merely to receive the option of divorce as a personal possibility; consequently, you can bet that exercising it will require incredible courage, the kind that says, “I choose no longer to be controlled by another’s belief system; consequently, I will no longer allow someone else to define obedience for me.” These, although few and far between, are the people who finally discover the freedom and rest that is provided in Jesus! Yes! Sometimes, the door to that freedom is called “DIVORCE” believe it or not!
Think with me for a few minutes about this individual: She finally admits to herself (or to someone) that she is living in a miserable marriage (a huge step for her because she is well-schooled in the fact that doing so will in all probability make her THE problem). Interestingly, however, this simple “admission” opens the door for her to begin to face the many issues that she has long-since suppressed—rejection, control, blame, anger, abandonment, fear, ridicule, and invalidated feelings, to mention a few. As you might expect, as each issue is faced and validated, her emotions run wildly across the entire emotional spectrum; however, as you might not expect, she tends to find ways to blame herself for each issue. After all, this is the way she has been taught to respond, not only by her religious teachers, but also by her controlling spouse. It is the all-too-familiar mindset that says, “If you think contrarily to the way I (we) think, you are wrong—dead wrong.” Unfortunately, it usually takes quite some time, even for the best of counselors, to decompress those “pinched nerves” and, I might add, it takes even more time for her ability to feel to return, but when it does, things change—drastically! She no longer sees herself as THE problem but as a victim and, consequently, she immediately begins to take ownership of her life, but doing so, is quite the challenge because those who have controlled her for so long cannot tolerate, even for a moment, the thought of being out of control.
As you might imagine, at this point her controllers become very creative and do whatever they can imagine (and then some) to keep her fenced within the parameters of their control. Of course, the controller who has most to lose (in our example) is her spouse; consequently, he begins to demonstrate what appear to be two distinct people—kind and gracious one minute but angry and hurtful the next. Obviously, his overriding concern is not her but his lack of control over her, so he does the only thing he knows to do to keep from losing control—try desperately to keep her imprisoned in the marriage. Unfortunately, he cannot hide his anger but he surely doesn’t want to unleash it onto her (doing so would not promote his agenda), so he begins to target his anger away from her and toward others (anyone who doesn’t side with him), especially toward those who helped her to realize that she does have the good and viable option of divorce.
As you might expect, about all this targeted anger accomplishes is to diminish (even further) any possible chance of restoration, and he realizes this, usually early on, so he changes his tactic and begins to target those who he thinks might have strong influence for his cause. Though they aren’t aware of it, his targets become anyone who will listen to his poisonous mouth and give credence to what comes out of it. As you might imagine, this serves only to backfire and bring the kiss of death. Had there been even the slightest, flickering flame of hope for marriage reconciliation, this kiss of death extinguished it—forever.

MARRIAGE, DIVORCE, & REMARRIAGE WITHIN THE CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY Part XII

Last week, I wrote about two of the factors, that in my opinion have played significant roles in the downfall of Christian marriage—“denial” and “pretense.” Hopefully, that discussion was meaningful to you. This week, I want to ask you to think with me about two additional factors which (again, in my opinion) have made just-as-significant (if not more so) contributions to the downfall of Christian marriage—”options” and “toxicity”.
I have a friend, a very successful hedge funds trader, who, as you might imagine, is constantly dealing with “options.” Not long ago, as he was checking me into a very nice hotel (with his credit card) in St. Petersburg, Florida, the clerk at the desk asked me if I wanted the key to the room’s bar. Trying to follow my Mother’s teaching about etiquette (if you can believe that about me), I declined it and when I did, my friend turned to the desk clerk and said, “No, no; give him the key.” As we walked away, he said to me, “Always take your options; you might not plan to use them but at least you have them, should you change your mind” (I guess this is the way successful hedge fund traders think). Anyway, I walked away with the key to the bar in my pocket, having received my option to drink all the whisky, gin, rum, vodka, and beer I could ever want and then some, at no cost whatsoever to me; HOWEVER, I never exercised the option (I never even stuck the key into the lock on the door of the bar! Now I wonder why I didn’t! I think my Mother was looking over my shoulder!).
Interestingly, when I got back home, I realized that this bar key was in my shaving kit; I can only assume that it is my reminder to always take my options, just in case I do decide to exercise them. It is one thing to be offered an option; it is another to take (receive) the option; but it is quite another to exercise it, and, I might add, this is especially true in troubled marriages!
Now, when it comes to troubled, Christian marriages, most of the couples I have counseled seem to be completely convinced that they have no viable options; therefore, they feel trapped. Occasionally, I meet someone who is at least aware that an option is available, but, inevitably, he/she has already refused to receive the option as a personal possibility. Needless to say, of the few who do receive the options that are offered to them, even fewer ever exercise them, even their God-given options (remember the bar key?). Think with me—
From what I have seen and heard, it is obvious that many (too many) of the Christians who live in troubled marriages, fall into the first category—completely convinced that they have no options, other than (of course) the option to tough-it-out until “death alone separates us”, that is, if they plan to remain in good standing with their families, the church, with other believers, and with God. Unfortunately, most (probably all) of these arrived at this devastating mindset through the teachings they have received from the church, and (I might add) they are easily recognized by their obvious paralysis—emotional paralysis, that is. In other words, over time they become convinced that it is much safer to suppress their feelings (frustration, resentment, bitterness, anger, doubt, loneliness, hurt, confusion, and rejection, to mention a few) and maintain the status quo, than it is to express them and, thereby, become THE problem (both at home and at church); consequently, they stop allowing themselves to feel—paralyzed emotionally—and, thereby, lose their own “person.” Thankfully, God does raise the dead!
Occasionally (only after resurrection), I do meet someone who realizes that a good and viable option is being offered, but (sadly) something deep within causes her to feel that she cannot receive it (the way I felt when I was asked if I wanted to accept the key to the bar). What is this “something” that causes her to feel this way? Isn’t it obvious? Her religious training has taught her that she should not accept it (old mindsets) because doing so would somehow successfully tempt her to “break the rules” that she has allowed others to impose upon her, and that, at least in her mind, would be the equivalent of spiritual suicide! In the end, the result is the same for her, as it is for the one who is convinced that she has no options, with this exception: increased suppression of the feelings of frustration, resentment, bitterness, anger, doubt, loneliness, hurt, confusion, and rejection. You see, it is bad enough to be convinced that you have no viable options, but it is even worse to know that a good and viable option is being offered to you, but you are not allowed to receive it, especially, when you know that doing so would set you free.
Then, occasionally, I meet someone who will receive the option but then refuses to exercise it—talk about frustration! One wonders if some just, simply, prefer misery!
(continued next week)