Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage Part XV

Well, the murder/suicide is history, the post-mortem examination is complete, and the results are as expected—the perpetrator contained very high levels of various toxins, each of which was the fruit of self-centeredness. Regardless, however, of the reasons, both perpetrator and victim begin to experience the pain of loss—significant loss, especially if the marriage lasted past the honeymoon stage. Enter grief!

Grief is essential, if a healthy lifestyle is to ensue; however, it is oftentimes a very difficult journey. The elements (denial, guilt, anger outward, anger inward, depression, resolution, etc) are predictable but they do not always present neatly packaged; consequently, many refuse to make the journey to healthy living and, therefore, find themselves locked in the prison of anger, bitterness, resentment, and, even, clinical depression—futilely trying to “get even” or to get back what they lost. In the end, these become enslaved to the one(s) they blame for their loss, spending every waking moment trying to figure out not only how to get back what they lost, but also how to get back in control of the one(s) they no longer control.

In many instances, this murder/suicide precipitates divorce, the legal end of a marriage that in most cases has long-since died. In my mind, the divorce decree is much like a death certificate, in that it serves as legal evidence of the death of the marriage. It is usually very difficult to get those involved to see this; however, it is true: in most instances, marriages die long before anyone mentions the word “divorce.” Sadly, this is true because the church has placed such a stigma on divorce, one that causes people to remain in dead relationships, even long after decomposition is complete, and that is far too long.

For most Christians, deep, long-standing convictions also become key players, players that make making the decision very, very difficult. The sincere desire to obey God and to please Him in all things make such convictions as “God hates divorce” and “until death separates us” and “what God hath joined together, let no man put asunder” and “God cannot bless willful disobedience” and “thou shalt not commit adultery” powerful deterrents to divorce, which is why so many choose to remain in marriages long after the vows have been broken and life has ceased.

Sadly, most never seem to learn the truth that Paul proclaimed—the letter kills but the Spirit gives life—consequently, they spend entire lifetimes futilely attempting to please God (who, thankfully, is already pleased) by remaining in their “dead” marriages, only to become modern-day Pharisees.

Thankfully, however, there are those who do come to realize that we (Christians) have been called to live, not according to the letter of the Law but according to the leadership of the Holy Spirit—the difference between living under the Old Covenant of Law and the New Covenant of Grace. These are the ones who finally come to realize that they no longer have to allow others to define obedience for them and can, therefore, view divorce as a gift of God’s love, rather than as His curse.

Now, make no mistake: divorce IS difficult—very difficult—not only for both parties but also for other family members and friends. There is no short-cut, no easy way out; instead, it is gut-wrenchingly painful. Even when both parties agree that divorce is the best option for them; it is none-the-less painful. Emotions run wild, with fear and anger being the dominant players, even in the lives of those who sincerely believe that divorce can be a gift of God’s love.

From my experience, one of the greatest fear-factors is the fact that obtaining a divorce most often means hiring an attorney (or attorneys, as the case may be) at great expense, only to find that once matters enter into the legal system, both parties lose any and all control over their futures. Of course, circumstances do make a difference, e.g. when children are involved or when large amounts of money or property are at stake. After years of being involved as a marriage counselor, I have seen the system make decisions that were devastating and altogether unfair. I can remember examples that I simply could not believe were taking place in a court of justice! To be sure, there is no wonder that most will endure any and all kinds of malevolence, even abuse, before choosing to place their lives into such an incredibly insane system.

Obviously, another of the deterrent fear-factors is the concern that is often expressed with these all-too-familiar words: “I cannot make it alone—emotionally, financially, or spiritually.” To be sure, for some to take life on alone is quite a challenge; however, living in a dead relationship is an even greater challenge. The problem is this: we tend to grow comfortable in our long-standing misery; whereas, the uncertain future appears to be very uncomfortable, at least, that is, until God makes us desperate for life—like a drowning man is desperate for air. Of course, the spouse who does not want the divorce tends to exacerbate this fear with comments such as, “You know that you cannot survive financially without my help” or “You know that you cannot make it alone as a single parent” or “You know that you know nothing about finances” or “You can’t even change a light bulb.”

In spite of all the fears and the ensuing anger, some do finally make it to freedom and when they do, well, all kinds of new emotions begin to surface (really, old emotions dressed in different garments) making even freedom a scary thing, much as it was for the black slaves of old. The signing of the emancipation proclamation set the slaves free—legally free—but it did NOT teach them how to live in freedom. Many of them walked off the plantations where they had been held in slavery but the new emotions they began to feel (old emotions dressed in different garments) had them second-guessing themselves at every turn. Unfortunate, but true—

Thankfully, it was for freedom that Christ set us free, therefore (to use the words of Paul), do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery!