Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage Part XIII

Hopefully, you remember my telling you about my friend’s (the very successful hedge fund trader) telling the desk clerk to give me the key to my room’s bar. At first, I wasn’t even aware that this was an option for me (I did not so much as know that the room had a bar) until the desk clerk made me aware, but, even then, I declined it; however, my friend intervened and instructed the clerk to give it to me, which he did. At that point, I had received (albeit, reluctantly) my option to drink freely from the bar that was in my room; however, as I told you last week, I never exercised my option—I never even opened the bar’s door. (I am still wondering why I did not, especially, in light of the fact that it would have cost me nothing! Maybe I will get another chance!)
Anyway, I reminded you of that story, in order to continue my discussion on the subject of “options” as they apply to Christian marriage. If you remember, I pointed out that many Christians, who are living in troubled marriages, are convinced that they have no option, other than of course the “until death separates us” option, and, therefore, they feel trapped. On occasion, I do meet someone who is aware of a good and viable option, one that is, actually, being offered to her, but most often she has already determined that she cannot accept it, certainly not as a personal possibility, usually due to religious teaching. As I said earlier, it is one thing to be convinced that you have no viable options, but it is even worse to know that a good and viable option is being offered to you, but you are not allowed to receive it, especially when you know that doing so would set you free.
Then, the saddest of all: the occasional person who does receive a good and viable option, as a personal possibility (for the sake of our example, let us use divorce), but cannot bring herself to exercise it. Most often, this comes as the result of having been controlled, even brainwashed, by religious (albeit, sometimes well-intentioned) teachers—parents, grandparents, pastors, Bible study teachers, Sunday School teachers, ad infinitum—to the extent that any thought that falls outside the parameters of their teaching, seems to be an heretical thought, one to be rejected at any cost.
Obviously, it was a major undertaking for this person merely to receive the option of divorce as a personal possibility; consequently, you can bet that exercising it will require incredible courage, the kind that says, “I choose no longer to be controlled by another’s belief system; consequently, I will no longer allow someone else to define obedience for me.” These, although few and far between, are the people who finally discover the freedom and rest that is provided in Jesus! Yes! Sometimes, the door to that freedom is called “DIVORCE” believe it or not!
Think with me for a few minutes about this individual: She finally admits to herself (or to someone) that she is living in a miserable marriage (a huge step for her because she is well-schooled in the fact that doing so will in all probability make her THE problem). Interestingly, however, this simple “admission” opens the door for her to begin to face the many issues that she has long-since suppressed—rejection, control, blame, anger, abandonment, fear, ridicule, and invalidated feelings, to mention a few. As you might expect, as each issue is faced and validated, her emotions run wildly across the entire emotional spectrum; however, as you might not expect, she tends to find ways to blame herself for each issue. After all, this is the way she has been taught to respond, not only by her religious teachers, but also by her controlling spouse. It is the all-too-familiar mindset that says, “If you think contrarily to the way I (we) think, you are wrong—dead wrong.” Unfortunately, it usually takes quite some time, even for the best of counselors, to decompress those “pinched nerves” and, I might add, it takes even more time for her ability to feel to return, but when it does, things change—drastically! She no longer sees herself as THE problem but as a victim and, consequently, she immediately begins to take ownership of her life, but doing so, is quite the challenge because those who have controlled her for so long cannot tolerate, even for a moment, the thought of being out of control.
As you might imagine, at this point her controllers become very creative and do whatever they can imagine (and then some) to keep her fenced within the parameters of their control. Of course, the controller who has most to lose (in our example) is her spouse; consequently, he begins to demonstrate what appear to be two distinct people—kind and gracious one minute but angry and hurtful the next. Obviously, his overriding concern is not her but his lack of control over her, so he does the only thing he knows to do to keep from losing control—try desperately to keep her imprisoned in the marriage. Unfortunately, he cannot hide his anger but he surely doesn’t want to unleash it onto her (doing so would not promote his agenda), so he begins to target his anger away from her and toward others (anyone who doesn’t side with him), especially toward those who helped her to realize that she does have the good and viable option of divorce.
As you might expect, about all this targeted anger accomplishes is to diminish (even further) any possible chance of restoration, and he realizes this, usually early on, so he changes his tactic and begins to target those who he thinks might have strong influence for his cause. Though they aren’t aware of it, his targets become anyone who will listen to his poisonous mouth and give credence to what comes out of it. As you might imagine, this serves only to backfire and bring the kiss of death. Had there been even the slightest, flickering flame of hope for marriage reconciliation, this kiss of death extinguished it—forever.