MARRIAGE, DIVORCE, & REMARRIAGE WITHIN THE CHRISTIAN COMMUNITY Part XII

Last week, I wrote about two of the factors, that in my opinion have played significant roles in the downfall of Christian marriage—“denial” and “pretense.” Hopefully, that discussion was meaningful to you. This week, I want to ask you to think with me about two additional factors which (again, in my opinion) have made just-as-significant (if not more so) contributions to the downfall of Christian marriage—”options” and “toxicity”.
I have a friend, a very successful hedge funds trader, who, as you might imagine, is constantly dealing with “options.” Not long ago, as he was checking me into a very nice hotel (with his credit card) in St. Petersburg, Florida, the clerk at the desk asked me if I wanted the key to the room’s bar. Trying to follow my Mother’s teaching about etiquette (if you can believe that about me), I declined it and when I did, my friend turned to the desk clerk and said, “No, no; give him the key.” As we walked away, he said to me, “Always take your options; you might not plan to use them but at least you have them, should you change your mind” (I guess this is the way successful hedge fund traders think). Anyway, I walked away with the key to the bar in my pocket, having received my option to drink all the whisky, gin, rum, vodka, and beer I could ever want and then some, at no cost whatsoever to me; HOWEVER, I never exercised the option (I never even stuck the key into the lock on the door of the bar! Now I wonder why I didn’t! I think my Mother was looking over my shoulder!).
Interestingly, when I got back home, I realized that this bar key was in my shaving kit; I can only assume that it is my reminder to always take my options, just in case I do decide to exercise them. It is one thing to be offered an option; it is another to take (receive) the option; but it is quite another to exercise it, and, I might add, this is especially true in troubled marriages!
Now, when it comes to troubled, Christian marriages, most of the couples I have counseled seem to be completely convinced that they have no viable options; therefore, they feel trapped. Occasionally, I meet someone who is at least aware that an option is available, but, inevitably, he/she has already refused to receive the option as a personal possibility. Needless to say, of the few who do receive the options that are offered to them, even fewer ever exercise them, even their God-given options (remember the bar key?). Think with me—
From what I have seen and heard, it is obvious that many (too many) of the Christians who live in troubled marriages, fall into the first category—completely convinced that they have no options, other than (of course) the option to tough-it-out until “death alone separates us”, that is, if they plan to remain in good standing with their families, the church, with other believers, and with God. Unfortunately, most (probably all) of these arrived at this devastating mindset through the teachings they have received from the church, and (I might add) they are easily recognized by their obvious paralysis—emotional paralysis, that is. In other words, over time they become convinced that it is much safer to suppress their feelings (frustration, resentment, bitterness, anger, doubt, loneliness, hurt, confusion, and rejection, to mention a few) and maintain the status quo, than it is to express them and, thereby, become THE problem (both at home and at church); consequently, they stop allowing themselves to feel—paralyzed emotionally—and, thereby, lose their own “person.” Thankfully, God does raise the dead!
Occasionally (only after resurrection), I do meet someone who realizes that a good and viable option is being offered, but (sadly) something deep within causes her to feel that she cannot receive it (the way I felt when I was asked if I wanted to accept the key to the bar). What is this “something” that causes her to feel this way? Isn’t it obvious? Her religious training has taught her that she should not accept it (old mindsets) because doing so would somehow successfully tempt her to “break the rules” that she has allowed others to impose upon her, and that, at least in her mind, would be the equivalent of spiritual suicide! In the end, the result is the same for her, as it is for the one who is convinced that she has no options, with this exception: increased suppression of the feelings of frustration, resentment, bitterness, anger, doubt, loneliness, hurt, confusion, and rejection. You see, it is bad enough to be convinced that you have no viable options, but it is even worse to know that a good and viable option is being offered to you, but you are not allowed to receive it, especially, when you know that doing so would set you free.
Then, occasionally, I meet someone who will receive the option but then refuses to exercise it—talk about frustration! One wonders if some just, simply, prefer misery!
(continued next week)