Marriage, Divorce, & Remarriage Part XIV

Believe it or not, back in the 1980’s, I actually served two terms as the coroner of Taylor County, that’s right—The Coroner of Taylor County! It was during this experience that I became very familiar with the term “toxicity” and for this good reason: many of the dead human bodies that fell under my jurisdiction found themselves in the medical examiner’s office, undergoing what is known as a post mortem examination, aka an autopsy, and, almost without exception, I requested a “toxicology” report from the medical examiner. The purpose of this report was to let me know both qualitatively and quantitatively of the “toxicity” of the deceased’s blood, that is did it contain drugs (legal or illegal) and if, yes, what were their levels. Obviously, this information was essential when it came to determining a cause of death, as well as the manner of death. As you might imagine, when a report came back to me indicating that the test was positive for drugs of any kind, especially at toxic levels, it influenced the outcome of the Coroner’s Inquest, be it death by natural causes, by accident, by homicide, or by suicide. As you can now easily see, in the Coroner’s world, the term “toxicity” has the stench of death all over it.
As strange as it might seem, to the marriage counselor, the word “toxicity” carries a very similar stench. If I had a post mortem examination for dead marriages (now that I think about it, I should develop one!), we would all probably be amazed at the percentage of them that would show very high levels of toxicity, and, I might add, the “toxins” would be very easy to identify—neglect, abandonment, emotional insulation, lying, cheating, insensitivity, lack of respect, perfectionism, control, invalidation of feelings, unrealistic expectations, insecurity, lack of boundaries, lack of transparency, lack of goals, and laziness, just to mention a few.
In my opinion, there is one heading under which all of the “toxins of marriage” fall and it is this: SELFCENTEREDNESS. In other words, the cause of death that should be shown on the Certificate of Divorce is always self-centeredness, and it is so because self-centeredness prevents any sense of connectedness—emotionally, physically, and spiritually—without which, there is no life. Attempting to have a viable, healthy marriage without this connectedness is about like attempting to survive as a human without water, oxygen, and food.
On the other hand, the manner of death is murder/suicide! Almost always one of the partners begs for this connectedness but the other (because of self-centeredness) exhibits most, if not all, of the above toxins, thereby, making the relationship toxic, and slowly but surely he kills the other and, thereby, commits marital suicide.
Let us think for a minute about the wife, who for years pleaded with her husband to be a listener instead of a controller, to be a responder instead of a reactor, to spend time with her, to show interest in her life but, instead, had to endure various affairs (I am reminded of the young wife, who told me of three of her husband’s affairs), continuous neglect (I am reminded of the wife who told me that she would much rather be her husband’s golf clubs than his wife because he took so much better care of them), debilitating control (I am reminded of the many wives, who have presented to me as non-persons due to their husband’s relentless control over their lives), demeaning perfectionism (I am reminded of the countless wives, who have told me of their incredible frustration with marriage because they can never do anything “right”; try as they may, they can never measure up to the invisible standard that seems to be ever increasing), unrealistic expectations (I am reminded of one of several wives, who told me of her husband’s long-standing refusal to have sex with her, unless she defecated on him, even if doing so required the use of an enema), long-standing invalidation of feelings (I am reminded of one wife in particular, who told me of her husbands continuous and long-standing “trashing” of the things she treasured, such as church and relationships), and, finally, her own emotional insulation (I am thinking of the countless wives whose husband’s were alcoholics, and in an effort to survive they learned to hide their feelings by putting a wall of emotional insulation around themselves—a wall that kept others out and at the same time kept them “in.”
Yes, this wife finally came to her senses and admitted the obvious: her husband had long-since committed the aforementioned murder/suicide and the cause of both was his self-centeredness. No, she was not perfect in her responses to his self-centeredness (who would or could have been?!) but she was genuinely interested in being his wife, in being his helpmate—the rest of him UNTIL she woke up to realize the obvious and painful truth—his interests in her were not, nor had they ever been for that matter, FOR her and her well-being; instead, his interests were completely self-serving! Just for the record: the ultimate act of self-centeredness is murder/suicide!
IF I had my post mortem examination for dead marriages ready for use and performed it on this one, I think it is obvious that the toxicology portion would indicate very high levels of TOXICITY—affairs, neglect, control, perfectionism, unrealistic expectations, invalidation of feelings, and emotional insulation—that would clearly demonstrate the self-centered nature of the perpetrator.
Poison is poison and poison kills—eventually—